Ladies of the Onion Rings: The Two Fools
by Legolas stalker
Summary: Part 2: THE INSANITY CONTINUES! Lauren and Laura travel to Helm's Deep and Isengard to kick some orc bootay! (does karate moves) WAH CHA! !FINISHED!
1. Leggy poo and the giggles of death

A new happy disclaimer!!!!  
  
Laura: I loathe anyone who says that they own LOTR... yes, even Tolkien, for I am jealous.  
  
Lauren: You really scare me, you know that?  
  
Laura: Of course I do... I'M LAURA!!! I AM THE ROOT OF EVIL!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough cough* HAHAHAA!!!  
  
Legolas: Dear Eru, save me!!! *tries to run away... again...*  
  
Lauren and Laura: NEVER, MY DEAR ELF!!!! *lunge at Legolas*  
  
Laura: YOUR dear elf?  
  
Lauren: YOUR dear elf?  
  
Both: *attack each other*  
  
Aragorn: *walking in* What's going on? *sees the two freaks fighting*  
  
Legolas: *braggingly* They're fighting over me... popcorn? *holds out big big BIG tub of popcorn*  
  
Aragorn: Don't mind if I do. *shoves popcorn in his mouth; both sit back and watch Laura and Lauren wrestle*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter 1: Leggy poo and the Giggles of death  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
Ah, so you've come back? Good good. I'm happy that you have. If you're reading this and haven't read Ladies of the Onion Rings, you'll be in the dark. So, I suggest that you read that first... unless you want to be completely confuzzled. *big stupid grin*  
  
So anyways, picking up from the last time that we had our nice discussion about something that you don't really care about...  
  
We were running along behind Aragorn, following the big herd of orcs that held Merry and Pippin captive. I was, quite frankly, pissed. Yes, it WAS "that time of the month"... again. I couldn't believe it! Why oh why did the Valar make "that time of the month"? WHY?? WHY??  
  
*ahem* Anywho, we were trotting along behind Aragorn in this order: Aragorn, Legolas, Lauren, me, and Gimli, who was about twenty feet behind us at all times. Damned fat old dwarves... they're so out of shape. Mind you, Lauren and I had been out of shape, too, just a few weeks ago, when we were running to Lothlorien. But that was a few weeks ago. By now, we were in tip-top shape, trotting happily behind a stinky Ranger and a hot Elf.  
  
"Yes... *pant*... We Dwarves are natural runners... *huff*... Very dangerous over short distances... *collapse*..." Gimli would explain. And, for some reason, it was always me who had to go and help him up when he fell and/or passed out.  
  
After running for about four hours straight, Lauren and I were getting bored.  
  
"I'm bored," I proclaimed.  
  
"So am I," she would answer.  
  
"Let's use the Giggles of Death to annoy a certain trio of men," I suggested.  
  
Lauren cackled evilly. "Let's."  
  
"*giggle giggle*" I said. "*giggle giggle giggle*"  
  
"*chuckle chuckle*" Lauren replied. "*chuckle giggle chuckle*"  
  
"*Snort chuckle giggle*. *giggle giggle chuckle*"  
  
"What in the Valar's name ARE you doing?" Legolas turned around with a very pissed expression.  
  
"Giggles. Of. DEATH!!!" I yelled. He jumped two feet in the air and landed with a soft "plop" on the hard ground.  
  
"Oopsie doopsie!" Lauren and I said at the same time. We both ran and knelt next to him. "*giggle snort chuckle giggle snort*"  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
Ah, yes... the famed Giggles of Death. We're renowned for them in our high school... perhaps that's why everyone runs away from us when we're laughing... hmmm...  
  
So there we were, slowly killing Princess Puff with our death giggles, when suddenly Laura cried out. "Lookie at what I found!!!" she said happily.  
  
"The brooch of an Elven cloak!" Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas all said at the same time.  
  
"Oooh... shiny..." Laura said, holding it up and staring at it.  
  
"Laura, you fruitcup, you have one, too." I pointed at the pin holding her cloak on.  
  
"Ah, yes... erm... I knew that..." She tossed the brooch to Aragorn and stared at her own. "Shiny..."  
  
"Laura... I think you need therapy," I said simply.  
  
"I do not!!! I already go to Dr. Fosnizzlemaizzle!!! I don't think I need two!!!" She pouted and crossed her arms over her chest.  
  
"Whatever... let's just go!" I took off like a rocket, quickly overtaking Legolas and Aragorn. "Weeee! Lookit me! I'm fast!!"  
  
I heard silent footsteps behind me. Legolas came up on my right, grinning impishly. "You are fast... but I'm faster." He seemed to be having absolutely no trouble... in fact, it looked like he was barely jogging. Suddenly he broke into what I'm guessing was a sprint, and in less than two seconds was nearly twenty feet in front of me.  
  
I stopped and my jaw dropped. Big mistake.  
  
FWAM!!!! Laura ran into me, knocking us both to the ground. "Aw yeah... that's gonna leave a mark..." I heard her mumble.  
  
"Will you two PLEASE stop fooling around?!" Legolas had somehow appeared next to us, and was pulling Laura off of me. "Honestly, I thought that perhaps you might have matured by now."  
  
Laura and I looked at each other, and a smirk formed on our faces. A silent message passed between us. He wants mature? We'll give him mature.  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
Uh-oh... I knew that smirk. That was the Lauren-and-Laura Smirk of Evilness. (cue evil music here) To be quite honest, I was terrified. That smirk meant nothing good.  
  
I helped both of them up, and then we kept running. I rolled my eyes when I heard the two demon teenagers talking behind me.  
  
"Laura, darling, what do you think about this whole experience, hm?" I heard Lauren ask.  
  
"Oh, dearest Lauren, I DO think it is utterly FASCINATING," Laura answered in an odd accent. (A/N: It's supposed to be a British accent, 'k? Okay, just making sure!!) "Dear Legolas, what is YOUR opinion about this whole experience, hm?"  
  
"I think you should just shut up," I growled.  
  
Lauren gasped. "Legolas, darling! Don't tell me that you don't like our new mature side? My goodness, and it was even YOU who suggested it!" Lauren smacked me gently. "Good gracious, men these days!"  
  
"I DO know what you mean, Lauren darling! I declare, these men! They are such hypocrites!!" Laura exclaimed.  
  
"Hush!" Aragorn said suddenly. I looked up. A large group of horsemen were approaching. I grabbed Laura and Lauren and pulled them behind a boulder.  
  
"Legolas, dear, you're wrinkling my tunic!" they said at the exact same time.  
  
"Will you SHUT THE HELL UP!?" I yelled as loudly as possible without the riders hearing me. I had no idea what "hell" meant... I only used it because whenever Lauren said it to Laura, she would shut up immediately.  
  
Laura and Lauren's eyes grew to be the size of dinner plates. "Leggsie!!! YOU CUSSED!!!" Laura squealed happily. "I'M SO PROUD!!!" She "sobbed" into my shoulder. "My little boy has grown up so fast!!!"  
  
I pushed her away as the riders passed. Aragorn stepped out from behind the rock. "What news of the North, Riders of Rohan?" he called.  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
My little elfy boy!!! He CUSSED!!! I was so proud.  
  
"What news of the North, Riders of Rohan?" Aragorn called after the riders had passed. Faster than I thought possible, they had spun their steeds around and surrounded us in a tight circle. One of the soldiers stuck a spear in my face.  
  
"Will you PLEASE take your over-sized kitchen knife out of my face?" I growled. The soldier glared and lightly stuck me with it. "OW!!!!!" I screamed, even though it didn't even hurt. "THAT'S CHILD ABUSE!!!! CHILD ABUSE, I'M TELLING YOU!!!!"  
  
"Laura!!!" Legolas clapped a hand over my mouth. I was seriously pissed at that point in time.  
  
"What business does an Elf, a Man, a Dwarf and two girl children have in Riddermark? Speak quickly!" one of them men, whom I knew was Eomer, said harshly.  
  
"I am Strider, ranger of the north. My companions are Legolas the elf, Gimli the dwarf, and Laura and Lauren," Aragorn answered.  
  
"Why do you have two children, Ranger?" he asked coldly.  
  
"They are our prisoners," Aragorn answered quickly.  
  
"Hey!" Lauren said angrily. "We are NOT-!" Legolas clapped his other hand over her mouth. We both pouted.  
  
"You need to learn how to hold your tongue, girl!" Eomer said angrily. "You should never speak to your elders, especially ones who have taken you prisoner, in such a tone!"  
  
We both rolled our eyes, and earned another jab from the spears. "YUFF HERMMIFNF UFFINN AFFHOE!!!" I tried to scream. (You heroine using asshole!)  
  
"I say again, what are you doing in the Riddermark?" Eomer asked with a tone of finality.  
  
"We are here representing the Lady Galadriel. We are hunting a band of Orcs."  
  
"Few have escaped the Lady of the Golden Wood. If you have freed yourselves of her, then you may be sorcerers and net-weavers as well," Eomer said, his voice still cold.  
  
"I assure you we are not," Aragorn said, sounding formal. (Yeesh, that's SO annoying.) "The orcs took two of our friends hostage. They are hobbits: mere children to your eyes."  
  
"Hobbits? I thought that those only existed in children's tales." Eomer looked at us like we were insane. (Well, excluding two of us, we weren't.) "But I believe we have already taken care of the orcs for you. They are all dead, and their carcasses are burning." He pointed to a pillar of smoke about three miles away.  
  
"Did you see any small folk?" Gimli asked.  
  
"Nay, we did not. No children, or hobbits, as you call them. I'm sorry to hear of your loss. But you," he said, pointing his spear at Legolas and Gimli. "Why do you not speak? Even your prisoners seem outward."  
  
"Give me your name, horse master, and I will give you mine, and more besides that," Gimli growled.  
  
"The stranger should declare himself first, but I am Eomer, son of Eomund, Third Marshal of Riddermark," Eomer announced grandly.  
  
"Yeah, and you look like a mating bird of paradise," I muttered. Lauren tried SO HARD to not laugh, but she failed miserably.  
  
"Then Eomer son of Eomund, Third Marshal of Riddermark, let Gimli the Dwarf Glóin's son warn you against foolish words. You speak of evil of that which is fair beyond the reach of your though, and only little wit can excuse you," Gimli replied.  
  
"I would cut off your head, beard and all, Mast Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher off the ground," Eomer said, a furious look on his face.  
  
"He stands not alone!" Legolas and I said at the same time. Legolas glared at me and I grinned. He bent his bow, and I drew my sword. "You would die before your stroke fell," we both growled.  
  
"Will you CUT THAT OUT!?" he yelled at me. But I didn't notice, considering the dude that had poked me before dug his spear harshly into my neck.  
  
"Can't... breathe..." I gasped. It was true; his spear had somehow blocked my windpipe.  
  
"Dude!!! She can't breathe!!!" Lauren said angrily. She swatted the spear away from my neck. The man drew back, surprised that someone should be so open.  
  
"Forgive my companions, Eomer," Aragorn said quickly. "We are friend with the Lady of the Wood, and some of our number don't take lightly to offensive words." He glared at Legolas and I.  
  
"What?" I said innocently. Out of nowhere a halo appeared over my head. "Oooh, shiny..." I quickly became distracted, trying to grab it.  
  
"I'm not even gonna ask..." Legolas said, amazed that a golden circlet could appear out of thin air.  
  
"You are forgiven. Go and look for your friends," Eomer said carefully. "But do not let your minds fill with hope. 'Tis forsaken in these lands. I will grant you these two horses." He beckoned, and a servant brought forward a black and a gray horse. "Their names are Arod and Hasufel. Be wary of Arod, Elf, for he is wild." He looked at Legolas, who glared back.  
  
Suddenly, at the back of the group, I heard an angry neighing. I leaped into the air, trying to see over the horses. I saw a gelding* rearing and bucking. He was gorgeous!! He was a chestnut color, with two white feet and a blonde mane and tail. A star, the shape of a tornado symbol (like the ones on the Weather Channel) was on his forehead, right under his forelock.  
  
*For all you people who know nothing about horses, a gelding is a male horse that's been... erm... neutered. Heheh... yes, they cut off the horse's balls. Ouch...  
  
"My lord, what of that horse?" I asked excitedly.  
  
"Ah, child, I don't think you want that horse. We found him galloping freely over the plains. I highly doubt you could handle him."  
  
"Can I at least look at him?" I asked. And then, I gave him the look no adult can ignore. The PUPPY EYES OF DOOM!!!  
  
Eomer melted under my gaze. "Of course. Bring forth the wild one."  
  
Two men dragged a frightened, angry horse to the center of the circle. I slowly approached it.  
  
"Laura! What are you doing!?" Legolas exclaimed angrily, trying to hold me back.  
  
"Lay off, you pelican!" I said angrily. I held out my hand slowly and let the horse sniff it. He looked me in the eyes, and immediately became extremely calm.  
  
"Oh my god..." I muttered.  
  
"What?" everyone else said.  
  
"Duke?" I said, disbelieving. The horse neighed happily.  
  
"OH MY GOD!!!! DUKE!!!!" I threw my arms around the horse's neck. It was Duke!! My horse!! My very own horse that my parents had bought for me!!! "HOW DID YOU GET HERE, YOU SILLY WALNUT HEAD!?" I sobbed happily into his neck. Duke nuzzled my back, nickering.  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
I stared, disbelieving. How had Laura done that?  
  
"Do you know this horse, child?" Eomer asked, an incredulous look on his face.  
  
"Oh my god, yes! He's mine! My parents bought him for me!!" Laura cried, her arms still around the horse's neck. "The reason he was acting so wild is because he hates being around other horses!"  
  
"Well, child, since the horse obviously knows you, you may keep him."  
  
"Well, DUH!" Laura said angrily. "He's MY horse! Why wouldn't I keep him?"  
  
"Laura! Oh my god!! Hi Duke!" Lauren approached the horse, holding out her hand.  
  
"WEEEEHHEEE!!" the horse trumpeted angrily. Lauren stepped back, terrified.  
  
"Um, Lauren? Maybe you shouldn't get near him," Laura suggested. Duke snorted with a tone of finality.  
  
"Yeah... that sounds like a great idea," Lauren said, her eyes wide with terror.  
  
"Farewell, friends!" Eomer cried. He pointed towards the direction we had come from, and soon the Riders of Rohan were gone, leaving just the three horses and us.  
  
Aragorn, Laura and I mounted our horses. "Come, Gimli! You may ride behind me!" I called to him. He looked up at me, an angry expression on his face.  
  
"God-forsaken beast," he muttered. Arod laid his ears back angrily. I sighed and pulled Gimli up behind me.  
  
"Lauren, you may ride behind me," Aragorn said. Lauren leapt up onto Hasufel's back.  
  
"Yay! I get to ride the pretty black horse!" she said, sticking her tongue out at Lauren.  
  
"Yeah, well I get to ride the prettier chestnut horse which happens to belong to me," Laura retorted. She whispered something into Duke's ear. I swear that horse got a smirk on its face.  
  
Faster than lightning, he lashed out and bit Lauren's leg. "OWEEEE!!!!" she screamed, clutching her knee. "GODDAMNED HORSE!!!" she cried angrily.  
  
Laura and Duke laughed (if it's possible for a horse to laugh). "Serves you right," Laura answered calmly. Duke snorted and shook his head. "Hey, Legolas, you're a good rider, right?" She turned to me.  
  
"I would say so, yes," I answered, becoming a bit scared.  
  
"I thought so," she said offhandedly. "Well, then, wanna race?"  
  
"Laura, you would fall off your horse faster than I could say Elbereth," I shot back.  
  
"Um, actually, I'm one of the best riders at my stable," she said.  
  
"Indeed. Well, I'll race you to the orc pile." I grinned evilly. No way could she beat me.  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"When I say go, okay?" She glared at me. "Ready... set..." She started galloping. "GO!!!" she called from twenty feet ahead of me.  
  
"YOU LITTLE-!!!" I cried. "Noro lim, Arod!!!" I yelled to my horse.  
  
"NO LEGOLAS!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Gimli wailed as we galloped after her. "OWOWOWOWO!!!!" he said after every bounce.  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
"GO LAURA!!!" I called from behind Aragorn. "C'mon, Aray!! Let's go!!!" I pleaded, giving him THE PUPPY EYES OF DOOM.  
  
"Oh, fine! Hi-yah!" Aragorn said, kicking into Hasufel's ribs. The horse rocketed off behind the others. "WEE!!! WE'RE GONNA WIN!!!" I screamed happily.  
  
~*~*~*~ Who will win the race? Will Laura and Lauren EVER stop bugging Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli? How exactly did Duke get to Middle-Earth? Will the author ever stop asking these pointless questions? Find out in the next chapter of:  
  
THE TWO FOOLS  
  
Well, my dear peanut-butter eggs, that's the first chapter!!! R & R, please!!!  
  
~Lorenzo the elf girl (alias: LAURA) 


	2. Leprechauns eat farm equiptment I swear

A new happy disclaimer!!!!  
  
Laura: I loathe anyone who says that they own LOTR... yes, even Tolkien, for I am jealous.  
  
Lauren: You really scare me, you know that?  
  
Laura: Of course I do... I'M LAURA!!! I AM THE ROOT OF EVIL!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough cough* HAHAHAA!!!  
  
Legolas: Dear Eru, save me!!! *tries to run away... again...*  
  
Lauren and Laura: NEVER, MY DEAR ELF!!!! *lunge at Legolas*  
  
Laura: YOUR dear elf?  
  
Lauren: YOUR dear elf?  
  
Both: *attack each other*  
  
Aragorn: *walking in* What's going on? *sees the two freaks fighting*  
  
Legolas: *braggingly* They're fighting over me... popcorn? *holds out big big BIG tub of popcorn*  
  
Aragorn: Don't mind if I do. *shoves popcorn in his mouth; both sit back and watch Laura and Lauren wrestle*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter 2: Attack of the farm equipment-eating leprechauns  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEEHEEEHEEE!!!!!" I screamed as Duke and I galloped towards the orc pile. I'd never had so much fun. I think he really needed to stretch his legs.  
  
I looked behind me to see how close Legolas was. "Yeek!!" I said out loud. He was right behind me! "C'MON DUKE!!! C'MON BUDDY!!!" I screamed. Duke galloped even faster than I thought was possible, and we put some distance between ourselves and Legolas. "Noro lim, Arod!!" I heard Legolas yell to his horse. I looked behind me again, and saw them gaining on us.  
  
Suddenly, a black form shot by me. "Whoa!" I said accidentally. Duke came to a dead stop, and Arod ran into him. I got thrown off over his head and landed with a SMACK on the ground.  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
I urged Arod to go faster, when suddenly Aragorn and Lauren galloped past me on their horse. "Whoa!" I heard Laura say. Duke stopped very suddenly, and Arod ran into him. Laura flew up over Duke's head and landed hard on the ground.  
  
"Oh no!" I leapt off of Arod and ran to where she was lying. "Laura! Are you alright?"  
  
"Hello pretty lady," she murmured. "What's your name?"  
  
"Aragorn! Come back!" I yelled. He spun his horse around and galloped back to where we were.  
  
"Aragorn come back? That's a silly name," she mumbled, a stupid look on her face.  
  
"Oh my god!" Lauren cried and jumped off Hasufel. "Is she ok?"  
  
"I don't think she's hurt, but she might have a very minor concussion," I told her. I looked down at Laura. "Laura, how many fingers am I holding up?" I asked, holding up four fingers.  
  
"Ehhh... four," she said with some difficulty.  
  
"She's alright. She'll just have a headache for the next few days," Aragorn said.  
  
"Advil," Laura murmured.  
  
"I'm sorry?"  
  
"Tylenol," she groaned.  
  
"Who are Advil and Tylenol?" I asked Lauren.  
  
"Ibuprofen," Laura grumbled.  
  
"They're pain medication from our world," Lauren said, giggling. "Laura, they don't have those here, remember?"  
  
Laura sat up very suddenly. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.  
  
"Well that was melodramatic." Lauren started laughing out loud. "She's fine. She's just kidding," she told Aragorn and I when she saw our astonished faces.  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
For a minute, I was seriously worried about her. But knowing Laura, her head is already so messed up that even if she DID have a concussion, it wouldn't have hurt her.  
  
Legolas sighed and helped Laura up. "Come on, we need to get going."  
  
"Okey dokey artichokey!" Laura acted like she hadn't just almost broken her neck. "Where are we going again?"  
  
Aragorn let out a frustrated sigh. "To the orc pile. We need to see if Merry and Pippin are still there."  
  
"Oh yeah! Well let's go!" she said happily.  
  
Okay, y'know what? I'm just gonna skip the whole part where Aragorn yells at the sky for "killing" Merry and Pippin, and then realizes that he's stupid. So, fast-forward to the scenes in Fangorn forest.  
  
"I'm scared!!" I squeaked, holding Laura's hand.  
  
"And you think I'm not?" she answered, gripping my hand in one of her bone- crushing clutches.  
  
"Meep!" Seriously though, that forest is pretty damn scary. Suddenly a bright light flashed in front of us.  
  
"YEEK!!!" Laura cried. "I'M BLIND!! I'M BLIND!!!" she wailed. We both drew our swords, covering our eyes and squinting. "LEPRECHAUNS EAT FARM EQUIPMENT*!!!!" she screamed, running at Gandalf. I rolled my eyes and followed her. "Oh crap!!!! OWEEE!!" Laura yelped, dropping her sword. "You burned me, you evil person you!!!! Now you die!!! BOW DOWN TO ME, TRAITOR OF THE MERMAIDS!!!" she said angrily, throwing a dagger at Gandalf. It bounced off and landed with a plop on the ground. "Erm... okay then. I'll just let you torture them now," she squeaked, running behind me.  
  
*This is my personal battle cry that I made up last year with Lauren. Yes, we ARE seriously screwed up.  
  
Legolas tried shooting arrows at him, while Gimli wielded his axe and Aragorn swiped at him with his sword. The arrows burned up, the axe was deflected, and Aragorn's sword also became too hot to handle. (Heheh, like the song. I'm so clever.)  
  
"HI-YAH!!!" I screamed, swiping at the light with my sword. But before it could hit him, someone had grabbed my wrist. It was Aragorn. "Gandalf?" he whispered.  
  
"Ah yes. That was my name. Gandalf," he said, and chuckled. Then he looked at Laura and I. "But who is this? And the other girl? Aragorn?" he asked, looking at Mr. Stinky Ranger Dude.  
  
"You mean you don't remember us?" I said, giving Gandalf the PUPPY EYES OF DOOM. Laura and I looked at each other and started wailing. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!"  
  
"This is Lauren, and Laura. Remember?" Aragorn yelled, covering his ears.  
  
"Oh yes, you two little troublemakers!" Gandalf said happily.  
  
"That's right Gandy ol' boy! I'm proud! You didn't lose your common sense when you fell, didja?" I said, smiling.  
  
"Silly noodle head! Of course he wouldn't have lost his common sense! I mean, he didn't lose his powers, did he?" Laura retorted.  
  
"Well he MIGHT have!" I argued. We bickered for several minutes.  
  
"HEY!!! YOU EVIL PEOPLES YOU!!!" Laura said suddenly. I looked up and saw that the other four were several hundred feet away from us. We dashed away after them. Laura shot me a look, and we both smirked. We ran right smack into Legolas and Aragorn, knocking both of them down.  
  
"EVIL PUMPKINS RULE!!!" Laura cried happily, giving me a high-five.  
  
"Sick minded child," Legolas growled.  
  
"CHILD?? You called me a CHILD?? How wude," Laura said in a baby voice, pouting. "Once we get outta here, I'm gonna sick Duke on you, and don't you forget it!"  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
Well, he forgot it. Once we got out of Fangorn and met up with Shadowfax (whom I called "OOH LOOKIE LAUREN!!! PRETTY WHITE HORSIE!!!") and the rest of the horses, I mentioned my conversation to Duke. Yes, I'm not kidding, I can communicate with my horse.  
  
"Psst!! Dukey poo!! See evil Elf boy over there?" I whispered in his ear. Duke looked at me with an expression that said "You poor, poor child. You must get therapy." (WHY DOES EVERYONE SAY THAT!?) "I need you to bite him really hard in the ass for me, okay snooky poo?"  
  
I think that if Duke could smirk, he would have. He lashed out and bit Legolas square on his right cheek (and I'm not talking about his face, either). "YEEE-OWWW!!!!" he screeched.  
  
Lauren, Duke and I started laughing so hard that I was crying.  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
Evil demon child. I WILL kill her some day, I guarantee it!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yay! Chapter two!! So special am I!! *claps hands and jumps*  
  
EVIL FLAMERS!!! I'LL SICK DUKE ON YA IF YA DON'T CUT IT OUT!!!!!! RAAAAAAAARR!!!!! Anyone else, please R & R!!! ^_^ 


	3. ALL HAIL KING CHIPMUNK!

Laura: I loathe anyone who says that they own LOTR... yes, even Tolkien, for I am jealous.  
  
Lauren: You really scare me, you know that?  
  
Laura: Of course I do... I'M LAURA!!! I AM THE ROOT OF EVIL!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough cough* HAHAHAA!!!  
  
Legolas: Dear Eru, save me!!! *tries to run away... again...*  
  
Lauren and Laura: NEVER, MY DEAR ELF!!!! *lunge at Legolas*  
  
Laura: YOUR dear elf?  
  
Lauren: YOUR dear elf?  
  
Both: *attack each other*  
  
Aragorn: *walking in* What's going on? *sees the two freaks fighting*  
  
Legolas: *braggingly* They're fighting over me... popcorn? *holds out big big BIG tub of popcorn*  
  
Aragorn: Don't mind if I do. *shoves popcorn in his mouth; both sit back and watch Laura and Lauren wrestle*  
  
Lauren: ARY!!!! *pounces on Aragorn*  
  
Aragorn: AHHHH!!!!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter 3: ALL HAIL THE CHIPMUNK KING!!!  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
So off we went on our horses. Gandalf was always in the lead, because he had Shadowfax (a.k.a. OOH LOOKIE LAUREN!!! PRETTY WHITE HORSIE!!!), who was much faster than our horses. It was great, though, because Legolas was always last, since he had Gimli. I swear, that dwarf is such a wuss! I mean, honestly, I wasn't afraid the first time I rode a horse!  
  
Anyhap, I'm getting off track. So we were riding over the plains of Rohan, towards Edoras... y'know, the place where Theoden lives. I acted like I didn't know where we were going.  
  
I nudged Duke to go faster to catch up with Gandalf and Shadowfax. "Hey Gandy! What's up?" I asked sweetly.  
  
He looked at me with a slightly irritated look. "Don't call me Gandy."  
  
"Why not, Gandy? I think it suits you very well!"  
  
"Do NOT call me GANDY!" he yelled. I immediately decided that I didn't want to face the wrath of the evil wizard.  
  
"Okay, GANDALF. Where are we going?" I asked slowly.  
  
"We are going to Edoras," he answered coldly.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"To see Theoden in his home of Meduseld."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because we need to warn him that he will soon be under attack."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!" he roared.  
  
"Eep!!!" I halted Duke and slowed his pace to match up with Hasufel's. I turned to Lauren and Aragorn. "So, dear termite, what's up wit you in your hood?"  
  
"Don't go all ghetto on me, Laura," she asked pleadingly.  
  
"Okey dokey artichokey. What's up with you and your lover boy, huh?"  
  
She looked at me with a horrified look. "Laura!!!" she said between gritted teeth. But Aragorn was just laughing. I grinned at the stinky Ranger. "Really, though, Aragorn! We think you're cool!"  
  
"Cool?" he asked with a confused look.  
  
"Um... like, really neat. Erm... help me out here, Lauren."  
  
"Hmm... like, awesome. Stylish, and-"  
  
I looked at her and raised my eyebrow. "Not stylish. Just awesome." We both giggled.  
  
"I think I understand. Well, thank you, young maidens. I think you're 'cool', too." He smiled at us, and Lauren almost fainted.  
  
"Well, toodles, you two love birds!" I grinned and slowed down even more and matched my pace with Arod's.  
  
"Hey there, Leggy poo!" I said sweetly. "And good afternoon to you also, Gimli-kins!"  
  
"Go away," the fat midget growled.  
  
I gave him the PUPPY EYES OF DOOM and made my bottom lip tremble. "You don't love me?"  
  
"Not particularly," he grumbled.  
  
"Gimli! She's going to wail!" Legolas said pleadingly. I smirked inwardly and started to whimper. "Oh, no! Laura come on! Don't! Please!"  
  
I sniffled. "Why shouldn't I?"  
  
"Because... um, I'll give you my dinner tonight, assuming we reach Meduseld by then."  
  
I lit up like a giant flashlight. "Really!?" I think I should mention now that I have a HUGE appetite, and that I normally begged Legolas for his food. I mean, he is an Elf, after all.  
  
He sighed. "I'm going to regret this, but... *groan*... really."  
  
"Yippee skippy!" I cried happily. "You're the bestest, Leggy poo!!!"  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
I groaned and buried my head in my hands as Laura disappeared behind us. Why, oh why did she have to go and embarrass me like that!?  
  
Aragorn chuckled and looked back at me. "Don't be embarrassed, Lauren! Be happy, because today is a gorgeous day, and we have Gandalf back with us."  
  
"You sound like a hippy," I grumbled.  
  
"What's a hippy?" he asked.  
  
"Never mind. Long story. Anywho, so what's the deal with you and Arwen? You guys are all in love and stuff, right?" I tried to sound sweet, and it probably would have sounded nice, too, except that I sneered when I said HER name. The little wench... he should be MINE!!!  
  
Aragorn let out a lovesick sigh. "Yes, we are very much in love," he said dreamily. Uh oh, looks like I let out the mushy side of our Ranger... "Her hair shines like a raven's wing, and her skin is as white as snow..." I rolled my eyes.  
  
"You are VERY much in love, all right," I told him.  
  
"Uh-huh..." he stared off at the horizon.  
  
"KILL ME NOW!!! PLEASE!!!" I shouted.  
  
"GLADLY!!!" I heard someone yell back. I turned around and saw Legolas aiming an arrow at me.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!" I screamed. "ARAGORN!!! LEGOLAS IS GONNA KILL ME!!!" I wailed.  
  
Aragorn turned around and rolled his eyes. "LEGOLAS!!!!" he shouted. "Be nice!"  
  
I heard him let out a big sigh. "Oh, fine!" He grinned and put the arrow back into his quiver.  
  
"NAH!!!" I yelled at him, and gave him a :-P (a raspberry, for all you people that live under rocks). He did a rude gesture with his hand. "THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR!!!" I called back.  
  
"NOT REALLY!" he shouted.  
  
"Asshole," I muttered.  
  
"I heard that!!!" he retorted. Damn that elvish hearing ability. I rolled my eyes and laid my head against Aragorn's back. I listened hooves came up behind Hasufel. "Loser," I heard Laura mutter. I just stuck my tongue out at her.  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
Pretending like I was going to kill Lauren was the most fun I had all day. After that, Laura rode beside us all the way to Meduseld. It was quite annoying, actually, because she just wouldn't shut up.  
  
"Hey Leggy?" she asked suddenly.  
  
"What now?"  
  
"You guys wouldn't happen to have Powerbars here, would you?" she asked. (A/N: I am OBSESSED with Powerbars. THEY'RE SO YUMMY!!!! ^_^)  
  
"Have what?" I asked with a bemused look.  
  
"Never mind. You obviously don't." She let out a saddened sigh. "You Middle-Earthlings are so primitive..."  
  
"Primitive?! How dare you!" I cried. "We are far from primitive!"  
  
"Really now? Well, have you ever seen one of these before?" She held up a circular object with a thin wire coming out of it. At the other end was another odd object, shaped like a semi-circle.  
  
"What is it?" I asked.  
  
"It's called..." she paused dramatically, "a WALKMAN!!!!"  
  
"What does it do?"  
  
"Wanna see?" she asked angelically.  
  
"Erm... alright..." I suddenly regretted ever asking what it was.  
  
"A'righty. Just put this thing over your ridiculously pointed ears," she told me, holding out the semi-circular thing. "They're called headphones." I did like she said and put the headphones on my ears. "Good. Now I'll do the rest." She turned a little knob on the bigger circular object. All of a sudden a terrible noise met my ears.  
  
"Ai! What is THIS??" I shouted. She rolled her eyes and pulled the headphones on my ears off. "You don't have to shout," she scolded. "It's called music! Dur!!" She reached over from her horse and whapped the back of my head.  
  
"That is NOT music!!" I retorted. "That was just a bunch of noise with people singing some absurd lyrics!"  
  
"Hey! Don't diss Simple Plan!" Laura said angrily.  
  
"Simple plan?"  
  
"Yes. It's a band. A group of people that play instruments and sing together," she explained omnisciently.  
  
"Humph. Sounds like a bunch of awful noise to me," I grumbled.  
  
"Oh screw you. You don't know crap about music from OUR world." She grabbed the "Walkman" out of my hands and galloped up next to Aragorn. "Hey Aragorn, wanna see something cool?" I heard her ask. I rolled my eyes and shook my head.  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
Mwahahaha!!! I love being evil! It was so much fun making Leggy listen to music.  
  
We rode for most of the rest of the day without stopping. Near two o'clock we reached Edoras. People stared as we trotted through the town.  
  
Lauren and I looked at each other and smirked. I stood up in my stirrups and started waving like a beauty queen. I blew air-kisses to all the guys my age, which were quite numerous, actually. One guy in particular was really cute, despite his filthiness. I winked and waved at him. I heard Legolas groan.  
  
When we came to the palace, a guard was standing outside the doors. He narrowed his eyes as we approached him. Gandalf spoke first.  
  
"I, Gandalf, have returned, with Shadowfax, the horse that no other man can tame," he stated in a holier-than-thou voice.  
  
"Drama queen," I muttered. "You're as bad as Frodo." Lauren jabbed me in the ribs.  
  
"With me is Aragorn son of Arathorn, and Legolas the Elf and Gimli the Dwarf and the Ladies Lauren and Laura, our comrades. Tell your king that we wish speech with him!"  
  
"Yay! We're not prisoners any more!" Lauren exclaimed happily. I giggled insanely. The guard, whose name was Hama, went through the doors, leaving us standing there. A few minutes later he came back out.  
  
"It is by command of Grima Wormtongue, counselor of Theoden King, that you leave all of your weapons here," he said firmly. Lauren immediately gave him all her weapons and walked through the doors.  
  
"But... but... I LIKE holding my sword," I complained.  
  
"Laura..." Aragorn said in a warning voice.  
  
"Fine..." I handed the man my sword and my little dagger that Legolas had given me all the way back in Rivendell. I started to walk through the doors.  
  
"My lady, your bag," Hama said. I turned around and looked at him.  
  
"Excuse me? How am I going to hurt someone with my bag?" I asked sarcastically. "Hold on, I'll empty it." I sat down on the ground, Indian- style, and opened my backpack and turned it upside down. Out came four books, a plastic knife, some tissues, gum, a bunch of pens, a tampon (Lauren giggled, I glared), a towel, a floppy disk, some CD's, my Walkman, exactly eighteen paperclips, and a smashed-up granola bar.  
  
"My lady, you were hiding a weapon!" the guard said accusingly, pointing at the plastic knife.  
  
"Puh-leeze!" I said, rolling my eyes. "Look." I took the knife and broke it into four pieces. "Happy now, Mr. Hama the Great?"  
  
"Erm... yes, my lady," he stuttered, embarrassed.  
  
"Good." I nodded and walked through the door where Lauren was waiting. He let me take my bag inside, which actually kind of surprised me.  
  
"You're hopeless," she muttered.  
  
"Hopelessly what? Hopelessly smart, hopelessly odd, hopelessly talented, hopelessly stupid-"  
  
"All of the above except smart and talented." She grinned.  
  
"That leaves... HEY!!!" I whapped her on the head. "Jerk." I scowled as everyone else came walking in. I snorted when Legolas walked past, with Gandalf leaning on him. Lauren started humming the wedding song. (Here comes the bride...) I laughed out loud.  
  
As Aragorn walked past me he grabbed my ear. "Come on, prisoner," he said, starting to walk. My poor ear! "OWEE!!!!" I screeched. He immediately let go, and I smirked at him. Lauren kicked me in the shin as he walked away. I kicked her back.  
  
Once we got done with our kick-fight, we hurried along after the others.  
  
"The courtesy in your halls seems to have lessened of late, Theoden King," Gandalf said. Psh, some greeting... I looked up at Theoden and gasped. "CHIPMUNK!!!" I cried, tugging on Legolas' sleeve and pointing. He cringed and clapped his hand over my mouth. I scowled and bit his palm. Silence me, will you? I think not!!  
  
"I greet you," Theoden answered Gandalf. "However you shall find no welcome here. Troubles and woes follow you like fog, Master Gandalf. All you have brought to me in the past has been evil and awful news. I ask you, Gandalf Stormcrow, why should I welcome you?"  
  
"Justly spoken, my lord," Wormtongue said. (Heheh, he looks Goth...) He turned to Gandalf. "Lathspell I name you. Ill news. They say ill news is an ill guest." He narrowed his eyes and grinned evilly.  
  
Suddenly Gandalf pointed his staff at him. Grima Wormtongue!" he yelled. "Tell me, how long ago did Saruman buy you?"  
  
"I thought I told you to take his staff!" Grima squeaked. Yes, he squeaked. An awful voice... ugh, it made me cringe. Seven guards stepped towards us, and Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn all got in fistfights. Lauren and I, however, have no arm strength. So, I used the first thing I thought of.  
  
"HOOHA!!!!" I yelled and kicked the guard coming at me in the balls. He bent over and I kicked him in the face. "Attack... me... will... you?" I asked, kicking him in the shin after each word. "I DUN' THINK SO, BUBBA!!!" I smashed my bag down on his head, and he fell to the ground, unconscious. I stuck my tongue out at his still form and looked over at Lauren. I started laughing.  
  
Somehow, she had gotten onto the guy's back, and it looked like he was giving her a piggyback ride. She repeatedly hit him in the head with her fists. "Yay Chicago Cubs!" she cheered, as I whapped him in the face with my backpack. The man crumpled to the ground. "Weeee!" Lauren said happily as he fell. She smiled and stood up, brushing herself off. "That was fun!" We gave each other a high-five.  
  
I looked over at King Chipmunk... excuse me, King THEODEN. (*snicker snicker*). He looked younger... Of course! Duh! Gandalf had kicked Saruman's ass out of Theoden's body. Serves him right... the bitchy wizard- woman... A woman was kneeling by his side, weeping and holding his hand. Theoden looked down at her. "I remember you..." Theoden said. "Eowyn...Sister daughter..." (A/N: Does that mean "niece"? I've never been able to figure that out...) Eowyn's lip trembled as she nodded.  
  
"Awwwwwww!!!" Lauren and I said at the same time. What!? I'm not ALWAYS a grump!  
  
Theoden was now standing up and had his sword. He looked like he would kill Wormtongue. He raised his sword, but Aragorn stopped him.  
  
"No. Enough blood has already been spilt on his account," he explained.  
  
Theoden looked at Aragorn, then at Wormtongue. "Leave, Wormtongue, and never return to my halls again," he said harshly. "Take a horse if you need, but do not cause harm!"  
  
Wormtongue said something (what? I have a short memory), and spat at Theoden. He then ran out of the hall. A servant ran behind him and scrubbed the ground where he had walked.  
  
"Boo-ya!!!" Lauren said. I shook my head. "No, darling. 'Boo-ya' went out about the same time as Hanson and the Spice Girls..." I patted her shoulder.  
  
"Riiiiiight..." Legolas said as he stared at us.  
  
"Never mind. It's a thing from out NON-PRIMITIVE world," I said, bringing up the old topic.  
  
Legolas growled, and I grinned. "Dear Princess, what can you expect from me? I am but a NON-PRIMITIVE little girl from a different world. You HAVE to be nice to me." I smiled angelically.  
  
"I have to?" he asked with a smirk.  
  
"Yes, you- OOF!!!" I exclaimed as he pushed me to the ground. "Pain..."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Well my dear stale potato chips, I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY sorry that I didn't update on Friday!!! My stupid, idiotic, poopheaded, bitchy, annoying, alien-that-calls-herself-my sister was hogging the computer. *sigh* BUT I WAS A GOOD GIRL AND I UPDATED!!! Actually, I was so worried that I would get in trouble with you guys that I was up 'til 3:00 in the morning worrying about you flaming me. Yes, YOU!!! I lost sleep because of YOU!!!! So feel special! I COMMAND THEE!!! GROVEL AT THE FEET OF LORENZO THE FUTURE ELF QUEEN OF MIRKWOOD!!!! MWAHAHAHHAHA *cough cough* HAHAHA!!!!!!  
  
Celtic Dawn Star: ... erm... oops... *embarrassed giggle* I thought you meant what *I* would want in Middle-earth... oopsie doopsie... *bangs head repeatedly on keyboard* ;mfdsdkm;lf;kdflsk;lj;lkkj;lfkjff09843908uiokvlkjvlkvlkjfd... ouch...  
  
Evil ducky: IT'S HERE!!! ^_^ Now you can read!!! :-)  
  
Crystyna: You're even weirder than I am, you know??? LOL well here it is... glad that you all like it so much!!! :-)  
  
Carmina Burana: Yayness!!! I'm on your favorite author list!! So special am I!!! *does touchdown dance* w00t w00t!!! ^_^  
  
aquitaineg: Hehe, yup!!! Me and Lauren have some "issues" with our calmness... or lack thereof... :-) lol hope you enjoy this chapter!! P.S. what does your name mean?  
  
RandomFan: Still keepin' it random?? :-) Good footstool. I have taught you well... hehe j/k! Randomness cannot be taught... it comes from experience. Oooh, that's a good quote. Perhaps someday I'll be famous for saying that... heheh Anyhap, I'll put this in just for you: PUPPY EYES OF DOOM!!!!! ^_^ Hope you enjoyed this chapter!!! :-) 


	4. Laura tortures the citizens of Rohan

Okay, y'know what? I'm too damn lazy to copy and paste my "happy" disclaimer, so I'll just say this: I DON'T OWN LORD OF THE RINGS! DO I LOOK LIKE A DEAD OLD MAN??? Well, not that you'd know what I look like... BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!  
  
NO!  
  
'TIS NOT!!  
  
Nor is my last name Tolkien... if it was, I wouldn't be sitting my arse in front of the computer, typing a fanfic about LOTR. Instead, I'd probably be at my mountain cabin, enjoying my brand-new spa with imported water from Italy.  
  
Anyhap, I think I've made my point clear.  
  
~Laura/Lorenzo/Archibald/Willoughby/Sandwich/Spicy/Laurie/Hey kid move  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter Four: Laura tortures the citizens of Rohan  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
Okay, so now we're in Rohan. Meduseld, to be more specific. Anyhap, we're sitting inside the "palace" (if you can call it that), eating our dinner. Well, actually, I was eating TWO dinners. Remember, Legolas had promised me his that night.  
  
I looked up from my second potato at Legolas, who I was sitting next to. He was looking wistfully at my steak.  
  
"Don't even think about it, Elfy boy," I growled.  
  
"But I'm hungry!" he whined. I know, it's hard to imagine an elf whining, but he DID, so that's that.  
  
"Too bad. Remember, you said you'd give me your dinner. Go eat some lembas or something," I said, shooing him away.  
  
"I never thought I would say this, but I am sick and tired of lembas," he told me.  
  
"Yeah, that's a great story, Leggy, but now this piece of steak is calling my name," I said, and attacked the meat with my knife. Legolas mumbled something in elvish, then stood up to lean against a pillar behind him. I smirked at Lauren, who was sitting across the table from me and shaking her head.  
  
"You are so childish," she told me, grinning.  
  
"I am not, you big meany head!" I said angrily. "Oops... I just proved your point there, didn't I?"  
  
"Yes you did," said Legolas, shifting his weight to his left leg and crossing his arms.  
  
"Oh shut up, Puffy (our new name for him). No one asked you," I said snobbishly.  
  
"Ouch," he said sarcastically. I decided to ignore him.  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
Ai, those two could be annoying! But I decided that they really had made our journey slightly more enjoyable... at times.  
  
I watched as Laura sat back in her chair about two minutes later. "Okay, Puffy, you win," she groaned. "I'm too full. You can have the rest of my meal," she told me, gesturing to my plate.  
  
I looked at it. "Why, thank you oh so much, Laura! But I'm not sure I can finish a whole HALF A POTATO!!!" Obviously, she hadn't left much.  
  
"You mean 'tater'," Lauren corrected me.  
  
"What is a 'tater'?" I asked. It was one of those moments when you ask something, but as soon as the words are out of your mouth, you know the answer.  
  
"You know, PO-TAY-TOES!!!" they both said at the same time. (A/N: I LOVED that line in the movie!! I was laughing my arse off when Sam said it... even though I still think he is a homosexual pervert...)  
  
"Hush! Aragorn, Theoden and Gandalf are discussing something," I told them.  
  
"Oooh, can I help?" Laura asked happily.  
  
"What help would you be of?"  
  
"I could sing and dance to make everyone happy!"  
  
"No, Laura," Aragorn said, looking up from the map Theoden was showing him. "We've experienced your singing before, and it wasn't very fun."  
  
Laura stuck her tongue out at him and pouted. "You're no fun anymore."  
  
"Hey, that's Monty Python's line!" Lauren scolded.  
  
"Lauren, Lauren... SHUT UP!!!!" she screamed. Valar, she sounded like a banshee.  
  
"Why don't you!?" Lauren shot back, raising her voice.  
  
"BECAUSE I AM LORENZO THE ELF QUEEN, AND YOU MUST BOW TO ME!!!" Laura roared. The room became very quiet: the only sound was that of crickets chirping outside.  
  
"Come on, you little snake," I said, dragging her to her feet.  
  
"But I don't wanna leave!" she whined.  
  
"Too bad."  
  
"You can't make me," she said, plopping to the ground.  
  
"I can't, can't I?"  
  
"No, you can't."  
  
"Well, then, I guess I'll have to resort to this." I reached down and picked her up.  
  
"HEY!!! LEMME DOWN, YOU OVERSIZED CUPCAKE!!! I DEMAND A LAWYER!!! GEORGE DUBYA BUSH WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD!!! LAUREN!! LAUREN!! CALL OUT THE CIA!!! ALERT THE MARINES!! PAGE GABRIEL AND TELL HIM TO BLOW HIS HORN ALREADY... ANYTHING!!! TELL MY STORY, LAUREN!! TELL EVERYONE HOW I WAS KIDNAPPED BY AN EVIL ELF!!!" she yelled as I carried her out the door.  
  
We walked down several flights of stairs, with her still screaming. Finally she was silent... for two minutes.  
  
"You suck," she spat at me.  
  
I raised my eyebrow. "Yeeeeah... well, you're sleeping in the stables tonight," I told her. Her eyes got wide and she started sputtering. "But- but- horse shit! Rats! Mice! Fleas!! Icky little insects! Scary noises!!" she whined, tugging harshly -on my hair.  
  
"Ow!" I cried, instinctively reaching up to my scalp. This, obviously, caused me to drop her.  
  
"Oof!" She clumped ungracefully on the ground. "Stupid bitch," she muttered.  
  
"Bitch? Laura, a bitch is a female dog," I explained.  
  
"Exactly! Aren't you a girl?" she asked angelically.  
  
I rolled my eyes. "Must you always be so immature?"  
  
"Yes." I closed my eyes. Count to ten, Legolas, I told myself, just count to ten...  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
It was hilarious watching Laura being carried away like a two-year old! I was laughing so hard that my sides hurt.  
  
"Lassie, if you don't stop shaking the table I might have to cut all your hair off," Gimli growled.  
  
I grinned. "You are just the cutest little thing!!!" I exclaimed, rubbing his hair.  
  
"Ach! Don't! You silly girl!" he roared, batting away my hands.  
  
"Humph. You're no fun." I pouted and crossed my arms over my chest. About ten minutes later Legolas came back.  
  
"Where's Laura?" I asked.  
  
"In the stables," he answered nonchalantly.  
  
"Um... why?"  
  
"She told me she wanted to sleep there tonight."  
  
I raised my eyebrow. "Somehow I don't think that's what she said," I murmured. "Okay, well if she's down there, I wanna be down there, too," I decided.  
  
"Suit yourself," Legolas said, shrugging. He led me down a few flights of stairs, and he gestured to a door. I walked through, only to be almost run over by a rampaging horse.  
  
"DUKE!!! DUKE!!! STOP BEING RETARDED!!!" I heard Laura roar. Duke was bucking all over the stable.  
  
"Laura, what happened?" Legolas yelled over Duke's neighing.  
  
"I let Duke out of his stall for a moment so that he could stretch his legs, but then he broke the lead and started being stupid!!" Laura called back.  
  
"Ai... alright..." Legolas grumbled and walked toward Duke, singing sweetly in Elvish. Immediately he became calm (Duke, not Legolas, you nift).  
  
"Good boy," Legolas crooned, stroking Duke's neck.  
  
"Damn Legolas..." we both muttered.  
  
"How do you do that?" I asked.  
  
"'Tis the way of the Elves... we befriend all good creatures," he told us, stroking Duke's nose.  
  
"Why did you start using "'tis" all of a sudden?" Laura asked, completely changing the subject. Legolas looked at her, a confused look on his face.  
  
"I... don't... know..." he said with a faraway look. He snapped back to reality. "Oh well! You two had probably hit the hay!" He chuckled at his little joke.  
  
Laura looked at him with a disturbed expression. "That has got to be THE WORST pun I've ever heard," she told him.  
  
"That's nice... good night!" And with that, he led Duke to his stall and walked out of the stables.  
  
"Erm... okay?" I looked at Laura. "He's starting to act like us..." I shuddered.  
  
"I suddenly feel very unloved and alone," she whined.  
  
"Me too... oh well!! Now you can be around Duke!"  
  
"Good point!" She walked over to the tack room and took out a currycomb. She walked carefully up to Duke. "Hush babe... it's all right... it's just me..." she said in a soothing voice. Duke rolled his eyes... no I am not kidding... She gently ran the brush over his back. I laid down in some hay and watched her, then drifted off to sleep.  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
The next morning I woke up to a bunch of voices in the stable. "Wha-?" I grumbled.  
  
"Get up, you lazy girls!" Legolas called. He was a few stalls down, saddling up Arod. "We are headed for Helm's Deep. We are leaving in one hour."  
  
"ONE HOUR!!!" I screamed. "LAUREN, GET YOUR SORRY ARSE OUT OF THE HAY AND GET MOVING!!!" I sprinted out of the stables and literally ran into Eowyn.  
  
"Good morning, my dear," she said sweetly. Okay, so she's not as bad as I thought.  
  
"Yeah, hey, um, no time to talk, BYE!!!" I ran around her and... straight into Aragorn.  
  
"Is everyone TRYING to get in my way this morning?!" I exclaimed.  
  
"I'm sorry, Laura. Hurry, though. We're leaving-"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I know!! I need to get something to eat and get my bag!!" I told him, pushing past and sprinting up the stairs.  
  
I stumbled into the dining hall ten minutes later, after getting lost five times. My bag was lying peacefully on the floor. I ran over to it and picked it up. "I hate you," I told it. It was silent. "STOP MOCKING ME!!!" I yelled, whapping it against a pillar. (A/N: This is from the TV show, "The Fairly Oddparents". LOL oh my god I LOVE that show! Pudding!)  
  
"Laura? Why are you talking to a bag?" I heard someone ask. I spun around and saw... oh big surprise, Elfy boy.  
  
"It was mocking me," I told him matter-of-factly.  
  
"Uh-huh... well, you can stop tearing around like a wild woman... we aren't leaving for another two hours, actually," he said.  
  
"You suck," I growled.  
  
"So I've heard... oh and by the way," he said as I walked out the door, "you have hay in your hair."  
  
I flicked him off and walked to the kitchen. One of the maids, whose name I think was Helen, was packing up some pots and pans. "Erm, excuse me!" I said. She looked up.  
  
"What can I do for you, my lady?" she asked. Gosh, everyone was so nice there...  
  
"May I please have a small loaf of bread or something?" I said.  
  
"Of course, my lady." She reached into a cupboard and pulled out a very large loaf of bread. "Here you are, my dear." She smiled kindly.  
  
"This is small?" I said quietly. "Ah well... thank you very much!!" I grinned and sprinted out of the room.  
  
Fifteen minutes and four wrong turns later, I finally reached the stables. Lauren was still asleep. I rolled my eyes and kicked her. "Come on, lazy arse. We're leaving soon."  
  
"Foof," she told me.  
  
"Well foof to you, too. I guess I'll just eat this whole loaf of bread all by myself..." I said "sadly", plopping down on the hay next to her.  
  
She shot up like a spring. "GIMME!!!" she shouted.  
  
"Patience, young grasshopper, patience," I told her.  
  
"Meh!" she exclaimed, grabbing the bread.  
  
"Selfish poo-head," I muttered. Suddenly Gimli appeared. "Young lassies, may I have some bre-"  
  
"NO!!!" we both shouted. "OURS!!!"  
  
"Grumps," he muttered, walking away.  
  
"Yay evil pumpkins!" I slapped Lauren's hand in a high-five.  
  
"Mmmmf..." she said, her mouth full of bread.  
  
"Meh..." I turned back to my own meal, wolfing it down in less than two minutes.  
  
Half an hour later we set out from Meduseld to Helm's Deep. The "riding arrangements", as Lauren called them, were the same as before: she was with Aragorn, Gimli was riding with Legolas, and I was all by my lonesome. Boohoo... NOT!!!  
  
I looked over at Lauren, who was sulking. Aragorn was flirting with Eowyn, and not paying any attention to her. She looked up at me. "Haha!" I mouthed. She narrowed her eyes and flicked me off. Well, everyone was in a great mood today, weren't they?  
  
With every step Duke took, I could only think: Bored... bored... still bored... border... borederer... am about to die 'cause I'm so bored... "UGH THIS SUCKS!!!" I yelled suddenly. All the residents of Edoras looked at me. "Erm... heheh... hello..." I went in pace with Legolas so that I'd be partially hidden from view.  
  
"You are so odd," he told me.  
  
"Why thank you, my happy cow!" I said. "You're very fuzzy too!"  
  
"Dear Valar..."  
  
"You know, I think that you are the most fun to bother out of you, Aragorn, and Gimli," I explained.  
  
"Oh, so that's why you always hang around me, eh?" he said with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"You betcha, by golly! I mean, I guess it's 'cause you're a prince... I mean, you're kinda stuck up, and selfish, and-"  
  
"I am NOT!" he yelled, getting the attention from the people again. He glared at me. "I hate you."  
  
"Thanks dear pal. I love you too." I was silent for a few minutes... most unusual for me, actually. "You know, Leggy?"  
  
"What?" Ah, good. He had finally given in and admitted that his real names were Leggy poo, Princess Puff, Leggy, Leggsie, Puffy, and Princess. I was so happy.  
  
"I think I'm gonna sing," I told him.  
  
"Oh no! Don't! Laura-!"  
  
"Oh give me a home!  
  
Where the buffalo roam!  
  
And the deer and the antelope plaaaaaay  
  
Where seldom is heard  
  
A discouraging word!  
  
And the skies are not cloudy all day!"  
  
I stopped and took a big breath. Then-  
  
"HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE!!!  
  
WHERE THE DEER AND THE ANTELOPE PLAY!!!  
  
WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD A DISCOURAGING WORD!!!  
  
AND THE SKIES ARE NOT CLOUDY ALL DAY!!!!!!" I belted out.  
  
The big groups of citizens from Edoras were cracking up. Well that's good... they all seemed so depressed.  
  
"Thank you! Thank you!" I stood up in my stirrups and bowed. "I love you all! I'd like to thank my mom, and my dad, and my fleas, and-"  
  
"You're done, Laura."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yayness!! I finished this chapter, like the good girl that I am!! Heheh... yes well, I'd like to thank Daisy Princess for reviewing FOUR TIMES IN A ROW!!!! Yaaay!!!! *applauds* Thanks to all of you who reviewed, too! 


	5. White jeans and hibiscus shirts

Okay, y'know what? I'm too damn lazy to copy and paste my "happy" disclaimer, so I'll just say this: I DON'T OWN LORD OF THE RINGS! DO I LOOK LIKE A DEAD OLD MAN??? Well, not that you'd know what I look like... BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!  
  
NO!  
  
'TIS NOT!!  
  
Nor is my last name Tolkien... if it was, I wouldn't be sitting my arse in front of the computer, typing a fanfic about LOTR. Instead, I'd probably be at my mountain cabin, enjoying my brand-new spa with imported water from Italy and eating Pizza Hut's yummy stuffed-crust pizza every night for dinner...  
  
Anyhap, I think I've made my point clear.  
  
~Laura/Lorenzo/Archibald/Blondie/Willoughby/Sandwich/Spicy/Laurie/Hey kid move  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter 6: White jeans and hibiscus shirts  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
So we were riding along in the planes of Rohan, doing pretty much nothing. I was pissed off, too, because Aragorn was flirting with dumb old Eowyn. So she's pretty, smart, athletic, a tomboy, and funny, but who cares? I'm funnier, and more tom-boyish, and... Well, that's pretty much it...  
  
*sigh* So I was stuck on Hasufel behind the hottie ranger, listening to him ramble on about some crap that I didn't care about. Suddenly Laura came up on my right. "Howdy!" she said happily.  
  
"Thank god! I thought that I would die of boredom!" I told her.  
  
"Yeah, no kidding... Gimli is yakking on about dwarf women and how so many people think that there's no such thing, blah blah blah... But obviously there is such a thing, because he is a fine example." I snorted. "So how are you faring with your hottie ranger friend?" she asked with a sly grin.  
  
"Operation Flirt With The Ranger is going downhill, my friend," I told her sadly.  
  
"Erlack... You know, Lauren, if this were a fanfic, people would think you were turning into a Mary Sue," she said. We both laughed. "How pathetic are we?"  
  
"Pretty damn pathetic," I told her.  
  
"I second that," someone called from behind us.  
  
"Damn you, Legolas! Can't you ever keep your nose out of other people's business?" Laura shouted.  
  
"It's kind of hard with my wonderful hearing!" he called back with a smile.  
  
"Screw you," she muttered.  
  
"I heard that!"  
  
"You were supposed to!" She looked at me. "Retard." She was silent for a minute or two, when all of a sudden she burst into tears.  
  
"Oh my god, Laura what's wrong!?" I shouted over her wailing.  
  
"I MISS MY WHITE JEANS!!!" she sobbed. "AND MY PINK SHIRT WITH THE HIBISCUS ON IT!!!" She bent over and blew her nose into Duke's mane, much to his disgust. I rolled my eyes and patted her on the back.  
  
A few hours later we stopped to camp. Contrary to common belief, the journey to Helm's Deep takes about 2 days... not one day, like they made it seem in the movie. So, yes, that night, we stopped to rest.  
  
Laura and I walked through the "settlement", looking at all the different people because we had nothing better to do.  
  
Only two minutes after we had left our own camp, Laura let out a big sigh. "I'm so BORED!" she complained in a very complain-ish way.  
  
"And you think I'm not?" I asked.  
  
She pondered this for a second. "Well, you're smarter, prettier, and more athletic than I am, so you should be able to think up something for us to do."  
  
"No I'm- wait... yes I am." I grinned as she kicked me in the shin. Suddenly someone put their hand on our shoulders.  
  
"MA-HA!!!!" Laura yelped. (Yeah, I know what you're thinking... she does say odd things. But it's completely normal for her.) We turned around and looked. It was Aragorn. "Hiya Aray!" I said. "What's up?"  
  
"You two need to come back to our camp... we leave early tomorrow, and you need some rest," he said in a very hot ranger/future hot king voice.  
  
"Okay..." I breathed. I snapped out of my goo-gaa mode when Laura kicked me in the shin. Aragorn nodded, then turned and walked away.  
  
"You know, oh dearest smart brunette pal of mine, you've become more lovey- dovey in recent days," Laura scolded me.  
  
"Yeah, so?" I asked.  
  
"Don't you think it might... oh I don't know... make our reputations with the Fellowship even worse than they are already if they think we're stalking our favorite characters?"  
  
"Erm... good point." I blushed.  
  
"Good spork. Now let's go have some 'dinner'... or whatever they call that soup..." She cringed as we walked back towards our own tents.  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
Erlack... Lauren was losing it, assuming she hadn't lost it already...  
  
We headed back towards our own tent, which was next to Aragorn's and Theoden's. (They had separate ones, you ninny... jeez...) When we got back, the nice woman from the kitchen in Meduseld greeted us.  
  
"Good evening, young maidens," she said kindly. "Would you like some stew?" she asked, holding out a big kettle. As much as I hate to regret it, it smelled really, really good, unlike the cafeteria food at our high school...  
  
I leaned over and sniffed it. "Mmm... Sure, why not?" I asked. Helen (the maid) smiled and beckoned us to sit around a fire that she had built. Aragorn, Theoden, Gimli, and Puffy were already there.  
  
I grabbed a bowl off of a pile and dished out some of the soup, then sat down next to Legolas. Lauren sat on my other side. I took a spoonful of soup and blew on it to cool it off, then stuck it in my mouth. I gasped in delight. Beef!! My favorite!  
  
"Yay!" I squeaked loudly. Everyone became silent and stared at me. "Erm... I like beef stew..."  
  
"It isn't beef, young maid," Theoden said. (Wow, he actually had the nerve to talk to me... you gotta respect someone with that much courage.)  
  
"It isn't?" I asked, starting to become worried as to what it REALLY was.  
  
"Of course not... it's rabbit," he said cheerily.  
  
Okay, right now I should mention that, next to horses and dogs, rabbits are my favorite animals. I gave Theoden a look like this: O.o...  
  
"BLECHK!!!!" I yelled, spitting it out into the fire. "Bunnies!? You killed BUNNIES?!"  
  
"Laura, calm yourself!" Legolas scolded. "Get used to eating rabbit and venison. They are the most abundant game around here."  
  
"Poor bunnies... poor little deer... what would Bambi think?" I wailed.  
  
"Laura," Lauren said.  
  
"What?" I said.  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Well, I was just saying."  
  
"Well don't."  
  
"Well I won't, then."  
  
"Well don't."  
  
"I won't."  
  
"Well don't."  
  
I sighed resignedly. "I won't."  
  
"Good girl." She patted my head then continued eating her *sob* bunny stew.  
  
I sighed again and stared at my own bowl. A few pieces of meat were floating on the top. To me they were all shaped like cute little bunnies. I groaned, then drank it all in one go. Lauren, Legolas and Gimli all stared at me as I belched. "It ain't half bad," I said happily. Lauren groaned and buried her face in her hands.  
  
A few minutes later I was bored again. For once Theoden and Aragorn weren't talking. I saw my chance.  
  
"Hey, King Theoden!" I called across the fire.  
  
"Yes, young maiden?"  
  
"I wasn't sure if you caught our names before. My name is Laura, and this here is Lauren." She looked up and waved at him. "And this fine specimen of an elf *cough cough*," I said, beckoning to our dear friend, "is our very own personal Prince of Mirkwood. His name's Legolas, but we call him Little-brook-running-up-a-tree-with-a-sausage-up-its-bottom Sun Li the Third for short." I finished with a grin on my face. Legolas looked at me in horror as Theoden started booming with laughter. Lauren had already toppled over from laughing too hard.  
  
"What a comedic child!" he roared. "Young Laura, you are quite a nice change from all this dreariness around here."  
  
"We also call Legolas Leggy, Princess Puff, Leggy kins, Leggy poo, Puffy, and Princess," Lauren explained, which just got Theoden laughing harder.  
  
"Such names! I believe I will enjoy your presence, young maidens!" Theoden said, and we both beamed.  
  
Legolas scowled at us. "I hate you."  
  
"I know," we both said, and I high-fived Lauren. I patted Legolas on the back. "Don't worry, Leggy, we might back off a bit."  
  
He looked at me hopefully. "Really?"  
  
"No."  
  
He growled. "Aragorn, I'll take first watch tonight," he announced, standing up and stretching. Damn, he was tall...  
  
"Of course, Legolas." Aragorn nodded and turned back to Theoden, discussing more plans and crap like that. Suddenly Eowyn appeared.  
  
"Meh..." Lauren grunted.  
  
"Good evening, my lords," she said daintily, bowing. "And good evening to you, Lauren and Laura," she said, turning to us.  
  
"Yeah, hi," I muttered, grabbing a piece of bread off the plate that Helen had offered me. I groaned when she sat down next to me.  
  
"Tell me, why do you act so childish?" she asked politely... if it's possible to ask something like that in a polite way. I hate when people ask some random (rude) questions, trying to make conversation.  
  
"Erm... 'cause we feel like it?" I tried to explain.  
  
"But you are hardly any younger than I, yet you act like toddlers!" she scorned.  
  
"Good gracious, you're right!" Lauren said suddenly. "Perhaps we should go change into our disgustingly frilly pink dresses, Laura!" she exclaimed, turning to me.  
  
"Why of course, dearest lederhosen*-wearing friend! Come, fellow ferret! TO THE TENT!!!" I grabbed her hand and we ran inside our tent, tying up the entrance so no one could get in.  
  
*A'righty, for all you people that have no idea what this is: Lederhosen is like a traditional German way of dressing. You know, the men wear coveralls that have legs that only reach your knees, with knee socks and an absurd hat with a feather. Women wear white dresses (usually) with some sort of apron over it. To be quite honest, it looks retarded. There. And that's your daily Social Studies Lesson with Laura! :-D*  
  
Once we were safe inside the protection of our tent, we burst our laughing. Eowyn came over and tried to open the flaps. "Let me in this instant, you silly little girls!"  
  
"How bout no, Scott?" Lauren said, doing a perfect Dr. Evil impression and putting her pinkie to her mouth. I started laughing so hard that my cheeks hurt.  
  
"Hmm!" Eowyn sniffed. We heard her stomp away, probably to flirt with Aragorn some more. I mentioned this to Lauren.  
  
"Wha- NO!!!" she yelled, bolting out of the tent. Finally, peace and quiet! I laid down, using my pack as a pillow, and pulled my blanket up over me. I fell into an uneasy sleep.  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
For the rest of the evening Lauren stuck to Aragorn like a child to its mother. Quite pathetic, actually. Finally Aragorn became overly annoyed. "Lauren?" he said slowly.  
  
"Hmm?" she asked, scooting as close as humanly possible towards him.  
  
"Go to bed. NOW."  
  
"But- but-"  
  
"Now, Lauren." She scowled and walked towards the tent she and Laura were sharing.  
  
"Thank you," I said gratefully.  
  
"I did it for me, not you," Aragorn retorted. He sighed and looked up at the stars for a moment, then back at me. "Well, I'm going to bed. Good night."  
  
"Sleep well," I answered.  
  
Now I was the only one left outside. All of the fires from the families had long gone out, because it was very late. I shouldered my bow and went to sit on a boulder a few feet away.  
  
The night was pretty uneventful, except for the fact that I discovered that Lauren and Laura were annoying even at night. I was still sitting on the boulder, looking at the horizon. The sun wasn't even visible yet, but the sky was becoming noticeably lighter. I jumped up to stretch my legs.  
  
Suddenly I heard footsteps behind me. I whirled around and nocked an arrow, aiming straight at... *sigh*... Laura.  
  
"Jeez, a little paranoid, aren't we?" she asked, batting the arrow away.  
  
"What are you doing up?" I asked testily.  
  
"I woke up about an hour ago and couldn't go back to sleep. Do you have a problem with that, Oh Great Pointy-Eared one?"  
  
"Yes, I do. Especially when I nearly kill a human girl because of her foolishness."  
  
"You're just jealous the voices only talk to me," she said nonchalantly, dragging her blanket past me and planting herself on the boulder that I had been sitting on.  
  
I raised my eyebrow, and was about to ask, but decided not to. I never got a straight answer from her anyways. Why should it be any different this time?  
  
"I'll watch now if you want," she offered. I was surprised.  
  
"What encouraged you to be kind all of a sudden?" I asked.  
  
"Oh shuddup. Go to sleep if you want."  
  
"Laura, if there was a band of orcs going past, you would start screaming your lungs out."  
  
"So? That would alert everyone to get their asses into gear," she said in what she considered an intelligent voice.  
  
"You are hopeless," I muttered.  
  
"Uh huh!"  
  
"Go back to bed."  
  
"But I wanna help!" she whined.  
  
"Fine then. You know what you could do that would be helpful?"  
  
"What?" she said hopefully.  
  
"Walk into your tent, tie it closed, and don't come out until I tell you to."  
  
"Oka- HEY!" She swatted the back of my head.  
  
"Childish little demon," I murmured.  
  
"Says you." She stood up and strutted back to her tent, holding the blanket around her like a cloak.  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
Well, you're probably bored of hearing about traveling to Helm's Deep, so I'll just fill you in quickly.  
  
1. Orcs never attacked us on the way there  
  
2. Thus, Aragorn DID NOT fall off a cliff (which Lauren was ecstatic about)  
  
3. I managed to bug Legolas to the brink of insanity (which I had been trying at for the whole journey)  
  
4. Eowyn flirted a lot with Aragorn (oh big surprise)  
  
So late that afternoon, we reached Helm's Deep. Basically, it was a giant stone fort carved out of the side of a mountain. Everyone (that is, about eight hundred people) gathered inside the main area when we got there.  
  
Theoden announced that all the women and children under the age of 13* would go and hide in the caves under the fort. All boys over that age would stay and fight.  
  
*Okay, I can't remember what the age was... I think it was ABOUT 13 years old... correct me if I'm wrong!*  
  
I tugged on Legolas' sleeve. "Leggy?"  
  
"What now, little fool?"  
  
"I'm not little! I'm just a fool. Anyways, can Lauren and I stay-?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because you are a woman (or so you say), and you must go down into the caves. It is safer there."  
  
I gave him the PUPPY EYES OF DOOM. "Pwease?" I said in a baby voice. Lauren stood next to me and made her lip tremble.  
  
He sighed. "You both have become like little sisters to me. I don't want you to get hurt, no matter how annoying you can be." (A/N: NOTICE: HE SAID THAT HE CARED FOR THEM LIKE SISTERS!!! NOTHING MORE!!! OK? SO KEEP YOUR EVIL FLAMES THAT SAY THAT THIS STORY IS A MARY SUE TO YOURSELVES!!! Thank you. Now back to your regular programming.)  
  
"Fine," Lauren huffed. "We'll go ask Aragorn. He'll let us stay and fight."  
  
"No he won't," said a voice. We groaned and turned around to see Aragorn standing right behind us. "You know, that's really annoying," I told him.  
  
"I am a Ranger. I can be as quiet as a mouse and sneak up on unsuspecting people," he said with a smile. Then he became serious. "I have to agree with Legolas. You must not stay here. Do not try to argue, Laura." He held up his hand as I opened my mouth.  
  
"Just for a few minutes?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Phooey." I grabbed Lauren's hand and started leading her towards the caverns. Once we were out of sight, we dodged into a broom closet. (Okay, so maybe it was an empty hall, but deal with it, ok?)  
  
We listened as Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli and Theoden all walked by towards the armory. I looked at Lauren. "Teehee! We're gonna fight at Helm's Deep!"  
  
"Yay!" Okay, so it didn't even occur to us that we may be killed, but cut us some slack. We aren't the brightest crayons in the bucket... hold on...  
  
After about half an hour of playing hand games, we made our way down to the armory. Quickly we picked out some helmets, chest-plates and wrist thingies. (A/N: I can't remember what they're called... you know, those things that belonged to Boromir that Aragorn puts on at the end of FOTR. Yeah, those!)  
  
"Don't forget to put your hair up," Lauren told me.  
  
We tiptoed out of the armory and ran back up to the wall where the fighting would start. We silently edged in between two Elves. I looked up at the one next to me. MA-HA!!!! IT WAS HALDIR!!!  
  
I tugged on Lauren's sleeve. "What?" she hissed.  
  
"Meep!" I pointed to Haldir, who was on my right.  
  
"Haha! Looks like we ran into your lover boy!" she said happily. I "accidentally" smashed her toe with my foot. Haldir looked at us.  
  
"Hello," I said in a deep voice (which I hoped sounded like a young man's).  
  
"Hello... do I know you?"  
  
"No. No you definitely do not," I said a little too quickly.  
  
"Indeed." I grinned like an idiot and nodded vigorously. He raised his eyebrow, then turned back and watched as the big-ass army of orcs came up to the walls of the fort.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yay, a semi-long chapter! Woohoo... erm... not...  
  
Anyhap, this is a semi-cliffy... kind of... not really... have you noticed how I like putting three dots after all my sentences in this ending part of all my chapters?... HOOHA! Like that!... AND THAT!... Okay I'm done... NOT! ^_^  
  
Please review! Next chapter will be... DUN DUN DUN!!!! The battle of Helm's Deep!  
  
P.S. Some of the random crap I put in this chapter come from the books "Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging" and "On the Bright Side, I'm Now the Girlfriend of a Sex God" by Louise Rennison. You should read 'em some time... they're really good!!! Okay, shutting up now... 


	6. Well pbbbt to you too!

Okay, y'know what? I'm too damn lazy to copy and paste my "happy" disclaimer, so I'll just say this: I DON'T OWN LORD OF THE RINGS! DO I LOOK LIKE A DEAD OLD MAN??? Well, not that you'd know what I look like... BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!  
  
NO!  
  
'TIS NOT!!  
  
Nor is my last name Tolkien... if it was, I wouldn't be sitting my arse in front of the computer, typing a fanfic about LOTR. Instead, I'd probably be at my mountain cabin, enjoying my brand-new spa with imported water from Italy and eating Pizza Hut's yummy stuffed-crust pizza every night for dinner...  
  
Anyhap, I think I've made my point clear.  
  
~Laura/Lorenzo/Archibald/Blondie/Willoughby/Sandwich/Spicy/Laurie/Hey kid move  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter Six: Well pbbt to you too!  
  
~Legolas POV~  
  
I watched as the orc army approached, and groaned as I remembered how many there were. Three hundred... against ten thousand! I was sure that that day would be my last on Earth.  
  
When the Elves from Rivendell had arrived, that definitely had helped. All right then, so now it was about four hundred against ten thousand. We were still doomed.  
  
I looked down to my left, where Gimli was standing... or jumping. "Couldn't you have picked a better spot!?" he complained. He was too short to see over the wall.  
  
"Shall I describe it to you, or should I get you a box?" I asked with a smirk. He glared up at me as the dark clouds above us opened. Soon, the pouring rain had drenched me to the skin. Gimli's mood didn't improve as the orcs got closer.  
  
I then looked to my right, down the line of Elves. A few men were tucked in here and there, and the occasional child. I couldn't help but think how awful it was that we had to use human children to fight. But it was too late now. I caught Haldir's eye and nodded to him. Then I noticed two shorter figures right next to him. I squinted to make our their faces through the pouring rain; they looked awfully familiar...  
  
"Get ready!" Aragorn yelled in Elvish. I turned my attention away from the children and nocked an arrow to my bow. I watched as all the inexperienced (human) archers followed suit.  
  
"Hold your fire!" Aragorn called. Unfortunately, an old man mistook him for saying "fire", and let his arrow go. It embedded itself in the forehead of an orc on the front lines. The other orcs watched as it crumpled to the ground, then yelled in rage. Black arrows came flying at our army from every direction.  
  
"FIRE!" Aragorn yelled. I shot my first arrow, and hit an orc right in its neck. Soon the air was filled with arrows. I shot several orcs before they started putting up ladders against the wall. The first one came up right by Haldir. I ran down to help him push it off.  
  
As I halted next to the Elves, an orc appeared over the edge of the wall, aiming its axe right for one of those two children. "Look out!" I cried, and pushed their head out of the way before killing the orc. Haldir and I looked down at the child that I had pushed away, and gasped when we saw long blonde hair framing their face.  
  
~Laura POV~  
  
"Crap!" I yelled as the ladder appeared right in front of me and an orc started climbing up it. "Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap..." I suddenly kind of regretted ever going up there.  
  
The orc climbed over the wall and raised its axe. "Look out!" someone yelled, and pushed me out of the way. My helmet went flying off. I turned around and watched as the person killed the orc, then looked at me. I groaned. The person was Legolas. He gasped.  
  
"LAURA!" he and Haldir both roared.  
  
"Heheh... erm... fancy seeing you guys here, heheh... *cough cough*," I said.  
  
"Laura, what in the name of Eru do you think you're doing here!?" Legolas yelled.  
  
"Um... helping kill the bad dudes?"  
  
"Wrong answer," Legolas said angrily. "Now get back down in the caves with the other women and children!"  
  
"But they just want to sit around and cry and moan and stuff!"  
  
"Well go and join them!"  
  
"What about Lauren?" I shot back.  
  
"Laur-!" Legolas ripped the helmet off Lauren's head. "YOU TWO GET OUT OF HERE!" he yelled.  
  
"LEGGY!!!" Lauren screamed. An orc had climbed up behind us and was about to kill Legolas. He brought out his knives and did his little twirly circus act thingy with them. The orc didn't have a chance. It was dead within five seconds.  
  
"I GIVE IT A TEN!" I yelled over the fighting.  
  
"I GIVE IT AN EIGHT... THE FORM WAS GOOD, BUT THE PROCESS WAS SLOW," Lauren called back. We started laughing.  
  
"This is not a laughing matter!" Haldir scolded, picking up where Legolas had left off. "You two get back to the caves right this instant!"  
  
"And if we refuse?" I asked sweetly.  
  
"You'll have to go anyway," he said sternly.  
  
"Hmm..." I pretended to ponder over this. "Sorry, Hal-O babe, don't see it happening. Toodles!" I blew him an air kiss then darted under his outstretched arms, Lauren following me closely.  
  
"We have gotten past the enemy spies!" I heard her say. "Now to kill the other enemy without getting killed ourselves."  
  
"Yay!" We darted between groups of fighters, getting as far away from the hot-yet-evil Elf dudes. "Are they following us?" I called to Lauren.  
  
She looked over her shoulder. "Nope!" We stopped and tried to find something to kill. It didn't take long. Another ladder appeared over the top of the wall.  
  
"OH SHIT!!!!" I screamed. "HELP ME, LAUREN!" We both pushed as hard as we could and knocked the ladder over, killing the orcs that had been on it. "Woot woot!" we yelled as we high-fived each other. "Oh yeah, we rock! Uh- huh, yes we do! Yes we do! Yes we-"  
  
"Don't."  
  
I spun around. "YOU!!!" I cried, pointing at Legolas. "Pbbbbt* to you!"  
  
*This is what I write whenever I want to give someone a raspberry.  
  
"Get down to the caves RIGHT NOW!" he yelled in my face.  
  
"It's called BRUSHING YOUR TEETH!! And no, 'cause you haven't done your cool little skate-down-the-stairs-on-the-shield-thingy yet! I gotta see that!" I explained.  
  
"Well, too bad, because you're going down there whether you like it or not!" he exclaimed, grabbing us by our collars. He dragged us back towards the entrance to the caves. We passed by the stairway. I looked over the wall, just in time to see Haldir kill an orc, and another one raise its axe over his head.  
  
"HALDIR!" Lauren and I screamed. Faster than I could follow, Legolas had let go of our collars, grabbed an arrow, and sent it flying into the orc's neck. And that's all I remember, officer. Because at that point I became a little distracted by an orc about to kill me.  
  
~Lauren POV~  
  
No sooner had we saved Haldir's life that I had to save Laura's. An orc a few feet behind her was nocking an arrow and aiming it right towards her. "LOOK OUT!" I screamed, and knocked her out of the way. The orc let go of the arrow, and it embedded itself into my arm.  
  
"OH @$#&!!!!!!*" I screamed. Actually, to be quite honest, it didn't hurt that much. It was more out of surprise that I yelled that.  
  
*I'm not THAT potty-mouthed! Jeez...  
  
Laura became furious. Much to my surprise (and the orc's, too, I think), she ran right up to him and swiped off its head, panting with fury. "And that's kicking ass!" she yelled, and imitated Drew Barrymore's little dance thing from Charlie's Angels. Then she remembered that I was hurt (being the wonderful friend that she is... HA!) and ran over. "Ohmygawdareyouokdoesit- hurtdoyouwannagodowntothecavesandgetabandageohI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryyyyyyy yyy-yyyy!!!" she wailed.  
  
"Dude Laura chill out! Let's just amscray down to the caves before we get into any more trouble!" I said. So we high-tailed it outta there and went back into the vaults, where Helen put some ointment on my arm and wrapped it up.  
  
We sat and told everyone what was going on, and reassured all the faithless people that we would win the battle. Then everyone turned their attention away from us (boohoo!) and went back to mourning or whatever it was they were doing.  
  
After about ten minutes of silence from both of us, Laura spoke. "Y'know Lauren, Legolas and Aragorn are gonna kill us for going out there," she said.  
  
"Yeah, I know," I muttered. I wasn't exactly looking forward to that. We both sighed.  
  
"Plus we're gonna miss Gandalf's big entrance," she said after another few minutes.  
  
"We miss out on all the fun," I whined.  
  
+++++  
  
An hour later we faced the wrath of one pissed-off Ranger/future king and a furious Elf prince.  
  
"WHAT were you THINKING in what little brains you have!?" Legolas yelled, waving his arms around wildly.  
  
"You could have been killed!" Aragorn added. "I mean, look what happened to Lauren!" he said, gesturing to my arm.  
  
"Yeah, but we WEREN'T killed!" Laura argued. "Do you really think that we would come all the way to Middle-earth from our world and NOT participate in the legendary Battle of Helm's Deep!? I think not!"  
  
"It doesn't matter if this battle is going to be legendary in your world or not! What matters is your safety! Whether you (or we) like it or not, we're responsible for you! What if you had been killed?" Aragorn asked, calming down slightly.  
  
Both Laura and I were quiet for a minute. "Would it help if I said I was sowwy?" I asked, talking in a baby voice and giving them the PUPPY EYES OF DOOM.  
  
Legolas sighed. "Fine. As much as we would like to, we cannot change the past. But from now on, you MUST do whatever we tell you to, and you MUST do it immediately, understood Laura?" he asked, glaring at her.  
  
"Why do you always blame things on me?" she protested.  
  
"Because they're always your fault. Lauren, which one of you led the other to the armory? Be honest." Legolas glared harshly at me.  
  
I sighed. "Laura," I muttered.  
  
"And whose idea was it to fight?"  
  
"Laura's."  
  
"Well pbbbbt to all of you," she muttered. Then she got an idea. "Leggy?" she said in a perfectly angelic voice.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I sowwy," she said, looking sheepishly at the ground.  
  
He sighed again. "It's alright."  
  
"Yay. Bend down," she ordered.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"So I can pat you on the head. You're too tall as it is."  
  
Legolas raised his eyebrow at her, then turned on his heel and walked away.  
  
Laura scowled at his retreating form. "You big evil fudge monkey!" she yelled.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Okay, this chapter was kind of pbbbbbt. But I had no inspiration, and I was suffering from that awful disease known as (dundundun!) WRITERS BLOCK!!! Oh, the horror!!!  
  
Anyhap, pwease review and be kind! Thankies! Have a nice life. 


	7. Squeeze Me!

I don't own LOTR, blady blah blippity boop... Oh, BTW, I'm gonna start writing this whole thing in my POV, because I'm sick and tired of trying to think like intelligent people (i.e. Aragorn, Legolas, Lauren, and everyone else that isn't me... besides Boromir, but he's dead, so it don't matter none).  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter 7: Squeeze Me!  
  
"Pbbbt pbbt pbt pbbbt pbbt pbbbt pbbt pbbbt pbbbbbbbbt!" I said oh-so talkatively. I was "singing" the Star Wars theme... okay, so I was raspberry-ing the theme. Big difference.  
  
Legolas looked over at me from his horse. (We were on our way to Isengard.) "What in the name of the Valar are you doing?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"Why, my dear potato, I am simply reciting the anthem that all the citizens of Australiachinarussiaantarticapolis sing to me when I pass on my flying daisy," I told him in my would-be intelligent voice. (That is, if I HAD any intelligence, of course.) "They worship me, for I am the Mystic Foo Foo." He sighed and turned to talk to Aragorn, who he was riding next to.  
  
"Hey, don't talk to the Mystik Foo Foo* in that tone!" I scolded him, and proceeded to whap him with my riding crop, which I had found in my fully supplied Backpack of Mightiness.  
  
* Perhaps I should explain. Arighty, a couple of my friends and I invented a religion called Cow-Foo. I am The Mystik Foo Foo, Goddess of the Air, and I live on a cloud. And yes, it's supposed to be spelled with a k (the word Mystik, I mean).  
  
"Hey Laura!" Lauren called to me from behind Aragorn.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Do you have any food in your almighty backpack of allness, or whatever you call it?" she asked.  
  
"Let me check, oh land-bound one." I took the bag off my back and unzipped it. I dug through and found a whole mess of stuff, including the smashed- up granola bar and... GASP!!!! A 3-MUSKETEERS BAR!!!!  
  
"YESSSSS!!!" I screeched, which caused Duke to bolt. "NO DUKE!! WHOA!! *WHOA!!!*" After running around in a few circles, Duke decided that he was away from the danger and slowed back down to a walk. "Loopy-headed fool," I muttered. "HEY!! Where'd my candy go!?" I looked behind me and groaned as a horse stepped on it. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
I leapt off of Duke and ran right in front of a horse, who happened to be bearing Eomer. "HALT, OH EQUINE-RIDING PERSON!" I yelled, holding up my hand.  
  
"Equestrian!" Lauren corrected me from up ahead.  
  
"My candy has been injured, and I must save it from an almost certain death." I lovingly picked up the candy bar and stuffed it in the pocket of my athletic pants. (I had found them in my backpack earlier that day.) "Thank you, friend coconut, for your patience. Cheers!" Then I ran and leapt back onto Duke's back and pulled the 3-Musketeers bar out of my pocket.  
  
"Oh, lovely, wonderful, delicious, heavenly, delightful chocolate! How I have missed you!" I crooned. I then proceeded to rip open the wrapper and take a huge bite. "Mmmm, nougat-y goodness..."  
  
"LAURA! You had candy and didn't tell me!?" Lauren wailed.  
  
"*I* didn't even know I had it! Besides, it's a 3-Musketeers. You don't even like those!"  
  
"Oh... well that sucks," she mumbled. I stuck my (chocolate-covered) tongue out at her.  
  
"Ew," Legolas and Aragorn said together.  
  
"You two are pathetic," I scolded. "You can whack an orc's head off without a second thought, yet you're disgusted by a little bit of chewed-up food." I sighed sadly, then spat out a piece of mud that had gotten on the holy candy bar when it had been stepped on. "Pbbbt! Stupid mud."  
  
*******  
  
We rode for several more hours until it was dearly dark. Only THEN did the almighty Chipmunk King decide that we should stop for the night. (Smart one, ain't he?)  
  
I sat around the fire with my loyal worshippers: Lauren, Aragorn (who I now called Acorn just because I felt like it), Gimli, and Legolas.  
  
Of course, I was bored again. So I decided to dig through my backpack, because every time I did so, I found something new. On this happy occasion, I found a dog squeaky toy; it hadn't ever been given to my dog, however, and still had the little sticker that said "Squeeze Me" on it.  
  
"Yay! Sticker!" I cried happily, and stuck the sticker on my shirt. "Hey Leggy!"  
  
"What?" he asked through a mouthful of lembas (which he ate instead of bunny stew, being the odd elf that he is). I pointed to my sticker. He leaned forward. "Squeeze Me?"  
  
"If you insist!" I gave him a bone-crushing bear hug.  
  
"Ow! Ow! Laura, get off of me! Aragorn-!"  
  
"He meant Acorn!"  
  
"-get her off of me!"  
  
"Leggy, I cannot believe you! You have a beautiful woman-" Lauren snorted, "-hugging you, yet you're begging Acorn to pull me off! I think you have some serious relationship issues, my dear sparkle-king." I grinned at him, then turned to Lauren, who was still laughing. "Lauren, dear, is it bad if an elf turns purple?" I gestured with my head towards Legolas' face, which was a deep color.  
  
"No, Laura. I would call that maroon... or maybe pink. Lavender? No, it's too red. Hmmm... Let's just stick with purple. And yes, I do think it's bad."  
  
"Oh, okay." I let go of Legolas and he gasped for air.  
  
"Heheh. Laura, I just got an idea," Lauren said across the campfire.  
  
"Yes, dear Watson?"  
  
"We should call Leggy... WAFFLE BOY."  
  
"Why waffle boy?"  
  
"You know, like 'Leggo-my-Eggo?'"  
  
I pondered this for a moment. "I am so proud to know an intelligent life form such as yourself, Prometheus. Yes, from now on, my dear Elf, you shall be known as Waffle Boy." Legolas groaned.  
  
"Why do I have so many nicknames?"  
  
"Because you're special," I told him.  
  
"Dur!" Lauren added in her intelligent voice.  
  
"And because you look like a girl," I added.  
  
"I beg your pardon!" he huffed.  
  
"Waffle Boy, it's the hair! I mean, sure, most elves-"  
  
"All elves," he corrected me.  
  
"-have hair like yours, but you've got to admit, normal people don't have hair like that."  
  
"Laura," he told me, "you have long blonde hair, and you are far from normal."  
  
"Yes, but that's different," I told him.  
  
"How so?"  
  
"1. I'm a girl, 2. I'm an American, and C. I have Caller ID on my tellyfone," I explained.  
  
"Uh-huh..." For some reason, Waffle boy didn't seem convinced.  
  
"Legolas, admit it. You're just jealous that the voices only talk to me."  
  
"Oh, yes, Laura. I must admit it. I am jealous of you," he said sarcastically.  
  
"I know you are. You know what, Lauren?" I asked, sidling over to her.  
  
"Yes, Blondie?"  
  
"I wish I had cool eyebrows like Elrond." In case you hadn't noticed already, I love changing the subject at random times.  
  
Lauren chortled (heheh I love that word). "Laura, you hardly have any eyebrows at all!" she said, gesturing to them.  
  
"Oh my gawd. Yes I do, you bi-atch. They're just really blonde!" I argued.  
  
"Suuuuuuure... ow!" I had whacked her with my riding crop. "Laura, are you going to become a dominatrix when you grow up? OWEE!"  
  
"Take that, you undersized Tellitubby! Pbbbt! I grow annoyed with you! Be gone, by my mystik Foo Foo powers!" I commanded, flicking the whip in her face. "Or not... Right then. I'll just go over here." I stood up and walked over to where I was going to sleep, taking my backpack with me to use as a pillow.  
  
"Waffle boy?" I called a few minutes later. No answer. "Waffle boy? Waaaaaaffle boooooooooy!"  
  
"I will not answer to that name," he said with his back turned to me.  
  
"Too bad that you just did. But that's not the point. Leggy?"  
  
He sighed. "What."  
  
"Can I use your blankie?" I asked in a baby voice.  
  
"No."  
  
"Why not? You don't need it. You're an elf! Elves don't get cold like us poor, pathetic human-type people do!" I whined.  
  
He groaned and chucked his blanket at me. "Here. Now shut up and go to sleep."  
  
I cuddled under the blanket. "Okies. Good night, my beautiful people!" And with that I pulled the blanket over my head. Mmmm... Eau de Legolas...  
  
*******  
  
"Wakey wakey eggs and bakey!" someone said as they jumped on top of me.  
  
"OOF! Lauren, must you always wake me in such a fashion?" I asked grumpily.  
  
"Hrm... lemme think... Yes!" she cried happily. "Come ON! We're gonna get to Isengard later today!" she said excitedly.  
  
I leapt up. "Yay! We get to see the big Ent-type people!" We danced around in circles. "We're gon-na see e-ents! We're gon-na see the e- ents!" (A/N: I LOVED Treebeard in TTT! He was so big and sweet! Like a giant wooden teddy bear shaped like a tree!)  
  
"Will you two please stop that? It's quite annoying," Legolas growled.  
  
"Pbbbt to you, you big lummox," Lauren muttered.  
  
"AND we're gonna see an Ent," I told him.  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"I am the Mystik Foo Foo. I know all," I said, putting my fingers to my temples. "Ohm... ohm... and the Ent's name shall be... Treebeard."  
  
Legolas sighed. "If you insist..."  
  
"Which I do."  
  
"That's truly fascinating, Laura, but now we hafta go get on the purdy horsies," Lauren told me.  
  
"Okies. DUKE, GET YOUR ARSE OVER HERE!!" I bellowed. Duke came obediently trotting up to me. "Everyone loves the Mystik Foo Foo!" I said happily. Duke nuzzled my hand, and I gave him a piece of sugar I had found in one of the tents. (Heheh, snooping is fun.)  
  
*******  
  
Many many many many MANY hours later (six, to be exact), we reached the gates to Isengard. Orthanc (the name of the tower, for all of you people who can't remember what they had for breakfast) was actually very far in. I was sad. No trees. Anywhere.  
  
"They could have at LEAST made paper out of the trees, but nooooo, they had to waste valuable natural resources! Don't they know about over- forestation around here!?" I complained.  
  
"Laura."  
  
"Yes, Watson?"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Okay. Hey lookie. Little kids. Ohmygosh, they're so cute!!" I started to trot so I'd catch up with Gandalf at the front of the line. Legolas and Aragorn also nudged their horses into a trot.  
  
As we approached the kids, I saw that one was asleep. They looked awfully familiar... The one that wasn't sleeping popped up to greet us.  
  
"Welcome, my lords, to Isengard!" he said in a would-be big person voice. "We are the door-wardens, Meriadoc, son of Saradoc is my name; and my companion, who, alas, is overcome with weariness-" here he kicked the other and the second little man rose from his sleep. "-Is Peregrin son of Paladin, of the house of Took. Far in the North is our home. The Lord Saruman is within; but at the moment he is closeted with one Wormtongue, or, doubtless he would be here to welcome such honorable guests."  
  
"Wait a second," I said. "Meriadoc? Peregrin?" I gasped. "MERRY!!! PIP- PIP!!!" I jumped off my horse and flung myself on them. "OOOOOOOOOOH I missed you guys!!!" I said, hugging them. They both blushed a deep red, but they hugged me back (not as hard, of course).  
  
"Laura, don't kill them," Legolas warned.  
  
"Oh... right." I straightened myself and looked at them. "You got big!" I said stupidly. It was true. They used to only come to my waist, but now they were almost six inches taller.  
  
"Yes. You see, Ents don't eat. Instead, they drink some kind of liquid," Pippin explained.  
  
"Ah, so you've drunk the waters of the Ents?" Legolas said in his I'm-a- wise-elf sort of voice. "Yes, blah blah blah..."  
  
"That's truly fascinating, Waffle Boy," Lauren cut in, obviously not hearing a word he said (heheh, neither did I), "but I'm hungry and I crave sugar. So, Laura and I are off to find some foodstuffs." She grabbed my hand and led me away.  
  
"Where are we going, Mommy?" I asked.  
  
"To the doctor," she said, pointing towards the tower.  
  
"NO MOMMY!!!" I screamed. "HE'LL GIVE ME SHOTS!! Oooh, look. Apples!" I pointed to a lone tree that was literally sagging with ripe apples.  
  
"Yummy!" we both exclaimed. We ran to the tree and picked as many apples as we could carry and took them back to the others, who were now sitting around on an abandoned barrack.  
  
"Greetings, fellow breakfast foods!" I called, and dropped all the apples on the ground. "We have brought back sweet-tasting food. Eat up!" I picked up the largest apple and was about to sink my teeth into its juicy goodness when someone batted it out of my hands. "Hey, what gives!?" I said angrily to Acorn, who had taken the apple.  
  
"We don't know if those apples have been poisoned or not," he explained, picking them all up. "Don't eat any food you find." He walked down to the edge of the water (A/N: remember, the ents flooded the area surrounding Orthanc) and tossed all of the yummy redness into the disgusting filth.  
  
"Nooo! My apples!" Lauren and I wailed. "Meany Acorn!"  
  
"I'm sorry. Why don't you eat some bread?" he asked, holding up a loaf. I took a piece and looked at it.  
  
"Oh, look, Lauren! MOLD! My favorite kind!" I said enthusiastically. "NOT!" I chucked the slice of bread into the water. "Do we have any meat?"  
  
"Yes! As a matter of fact, we do!" Merry said, handing me something hard, brown and dry.  
  
I gasped. "JERKY!!!" Okay, I should tell you right now that I LOVE jerky. It's so good. Especially Slim Jims. Mmmm...  
  
I shoved the jerky into my mouth and savored the taste. "I love jerky..." I said, chewing it slowly. Aragorn smiled and shook his head.  
  
"I'm surprised. Not many people actually like dried meat."  
  
"Well, I'm one of those few freaks. Lauren, well, she doesn't like jerky, but she's a freak," I said, realizing that Lauren had nothing to do with the conversation. "Wait a sec. Where are the horses?"  
  
"They're all grazing. Don't worry, Laura," Legolas said. "Arod and Duke have become pretty good friends."  
  
"I looked over to where the horses were standing in a big group. Two in particular caught my eye, mostly because they were rearing and biting at each other. One was chestnut brown, and the other was gray.  
  
I rolled my eyes and looked at Legolas. "Oh yeah, they're just all buddy- buddy, aren't they?" I said sarcastically, pointing. Legolas leapt up and sprinted over to the herd.  
  
"LA-HU-SER!" I called after him.  
  
Hrm... this is an awkward ending...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
*Starts raspberry-ing the Star Wars theme again* Pbbbt pbbt pbt pbbt pbbbt pbbt pbbbt pbbt pbbbbbbbt!!!... Oh, hello there! Well, I hope you liked this chapter. It took me two hours to write. So be happy. BOW TO THE ALMIGHTY MYSTIK FOO FOO, OH LAND-BOUND CREATURE!!! 


	8. Revised:Snogging is good for your health

I don't own LOTR, blady blah blippity boop... Oh, BTW, I'm gonna start writing this whole thing in my POV, because I'm sick and tired of trying to think like intelligent people (i.e. Aragorn, Legolas, Lauren, and everyone else that isn't me... besides Boromir, but he's dead, so it don't matter none).  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter 8: Snogging is good for your health  
  
"Da da dum da da da da dum... da da da da DUM dee da da da da..." Lauren was sitting next to me, singing the Jeopardy theme. All of us (me, Lauren, Aragorn, Merry, Pippin, Gimli, and Legolas) were sitting around a fire that they had built on the barrack.  
  
I sighed a sighful sigh.  
  
"Must you always sing the theme songs to game shows?" I asked. Lauren nodded vigorously.  
  
"Of course, Blondie. I wouldn't be me if I didn't sing game show themes."  
  
"You wouldn't be you if I ripped your head off like I'm about to do," I threatened. She got the point and shut up.  
  
"You two are so evil to each other," Legolas commented.  
  
"We know," I told him. "But you see, in our NON-PRIMITIVE WORLD" -he growled- "friends are always threatening each other. It's an endearment. But you wouldn't understand, dear crumpet, because you are an elf."  
  
"What does my being an elf have anything to do with it?"  
  
"Elves are 'perfect'," I said, making quotation marks with my fingers. "You see, you... hold on a sec... I forget where I was going with this..." I stopped and put my chin in my hand. Legolas shook his head, a sorrowful look on his face.  
  
"I pity anyone that really and truly listens to you," he said.  
  
"That's nice, Puff," Lauren said, poking the fire with a twig that she conjured up somehow. She sighed. "I need a bath," she whined.  
  
I leaned over and sniffed. "Phew, Lulu (my new nickname for her), you sure as hell do!" I said, waving my hand in front of my nose. "But then again, so do I. Ah well. Being dirty is fun!" I scooped up some mud and put little lines under my eyes like a football player. "See? At home, if we did this, our moms would be on us like a tiger on a rotting deer."  
  
"That's a nice analogy, Laura," Elf boy said, wrinkling his nose.  
  
"I know. I have wonderful logic." I stood up to stretch.  
  
"Ari?" Lauren asked.  
  
"Yes Lauren."  
  
"Where can we have a bath? I mean, other than the lake," she said, seeing that he was about to suggest that.  
  
"I'm not sure there is any place to bathe. Plus, you're surrounded by men. I doubt you would want to take a bath out in the lake anyway," Acorn explained.  
  
I sniffed. "Do you people even know what a bathtub is?"  
  
"Of course we do!" Legolas huffed. "What do you take us for, heathens?"  
  
"Well, in your case, Lego, yes, I'd say so." I grinned at his astonished look. "C'mon, Waffle boy, don't look at me like that. You know you love me!" I plopped down on the ground next to him, still chattering away. "Meeper confirgit zeep ding boing froop," I said in the Bloopish language (A/N: LOL Missy and Kayla... sorry, inside joke). He raised an eyebrow.  
  
"I'm suddenly ever regretting going to that council a few months ago," he muttered.  
  
I got tired of hearing he and Aragorn yak on about stuff after a few minutes, so I jumped up. "C'mon, Lauren! We're going swimming," I announced.  
  
"We are?" she asked, her mouth full of bread.  
  
"Yes we are. Come on, Watson." I grabbed her hand and pulled her up.  
  
"We don't have bathing suits, oh one of much intelligence," she said, following me along the shore of the Ent-made lake.  
  
"That's where you're wrong. Just grab your extra clothes and come on." I picked up the Backpack of Mightiness and slung it over my shoulder.  
  
We walked for a few minutes out of site of the rest of the men. I looked around, pretending I knew where we were going.  
  
"Aha!" I said intelligently. "This is the perfect spot." I pointed to the ground we were standing on.  
  
"And remind me again why we brought our extra tunics," Lauren grumbled.  
  
"Because, friend termite, we are going to wash our clothes!" I said grandly.  
  
"Right... and how do you propose we do this, since we don't have any soap?"  
  
"That's where you're wrong." I dug into my backpack and pulled out a bottle of body wash and a bar of Dove brand soap.  
  
"Laura, I think I love you," she cried, flinging her arms around my neck.  
  
"...Eh?" I said.  
  
"In a friendly way, of course."  
  
"Ah, ok. Yes... moving right along..." I ran into the water and dived under the surface when it was up to my waist, then swam around in circles for a minute. I popped back out and grinned at Lauren, water dripping down my nose. "Come on in! The water's fine!"  
  
"Meh..." She tiptoed into the shallow part of the water and sat down, then began splashing water onto her arms and back.  
  
"No, doofus! You hafta come out here!" I told her as if this were obvious... which it was.  
  
"But LOOK at this water!" she complained. "It's disgusting."  
  
"I'd rather swim in dirty water than not swim at all," I said simply. "You're such a baby. Toss me the body wash... I need to wash my hair." She chucked it to me, and I caught it, using my fantastic softball reflexes. (Hahah... NOT.)  
  
"Yes!! Yes!! Oh yes!!" I cried, imitating the Herbal Essences commercial. Lauren just sat and stared at me.  
  
"You are so odd," she muttered, although it was loud enough for me to hear.  
  
"I know. Damn proud of it, too!" I said, ducking under water so that the body wash would rinse out. When I surfaced again, Lauren had walked in far enough that the water was to her knees.  
  
"Gimme the body wash," she demanded.  
  
"Of course, Lulu." I tossed it to her, then started to just fool around. I grinned as a big empty crate floated by. "Yay!" I hopped inside of it and started paddling with my arms back towards where everyone was sitting.  
  
Legolas was the first to notice me. He watched with a bemused grin and a quirked eyebrow as I came up to the edge of the water in my little boat. "AHOY, MATEY!" I yelled, scaring the bejesus out of Aragorn, who had his back to the water. "How be the fishing in these parts?" I asked with a pirate accent.  
  
Merry and Pippin started to laugh when they saw that I was soaking wet, and even Mr. I'm-a-serious-ranger smiled.  
  
"I told you we were going swimming," I said haughtily.  
  
"That you did," Acorn replied. "Where did the crate come from?"  
  
"I found it."  
  
"Where?"  
  
"It was floating in the water."  
  
"Bu-"  
  
"Sorry, King of Filth, but I must be headed back to my own lands now. Toodle-loo!" I spun the crate around and paddled back to where Lauren was. When I got back she had already finished washing, and was beginning to clean her clothes with the Dove soap.  
  
"So, Lulu, are you having fun?" I asked before tumbling out of the crate. I honestly don't know how I prevented it from capsizing before.  
  
"Yes ma'am," she said happily. "We're gonna have the cleanest clothes around."  
  
"And we're gonna be the cleanest people around," I added as I walked towards the shore. I looked at her pile of soggy clothes. "Erm, Lauren?"  
  
"Yes, oh great Mystik Foo Foo?"  
  
"Don't tell me you forgot to keep one set of dry clothes." She looked down at her pile.  
  
"SHIT!!!" she yelled. "You gotta let me borrow a set, Laura, please!" she pleaded.  
  
"Oh fine. But tomorrow you get to clean them for me," I told her.  
  
"Okay."  
  
"On second thought, you can just clean all my clothes as a payment." I grabbed one of my other three sets of (dry) clothes and walked away behind a pile of debris to change. I quickly stripped down, checking every few seconds to make sure no one was coming. Suddenly-  
  
"Mew!"  
  
"AAAAAHHH!!!!" I ran out from behind the pile, my shirt only halfway buttoned. "OH MY GOD!!!!"  
  
"What the hell is wrong with you, Laura?" Lauren asked, looking grumpily at my dry clothes.  
  
"Someone... was watching... change..." I panted.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Someone was watching me change, ignoranti!" I yelled.  
  
"What the?" She stood up and looked behind the pile of debris as I finished buttoning my shirt.  
  
She came out laughing. "Laura, you goose! Here's your Peeping Tom!" She held up a small orange kitten.  
  
"KITTY!" I screamed. (Think Boo from the movie "Monsters, Inc.") I lunged at her and grabbed the kitten, cuddling it to my face. "He's so PRECIOUS!" I cried happily, listening to it purr.  
  
"I found him," Lauren declared. "I claim him."  
  
"Nuh-uh. He was spying on ME," I argued.  
  
"My kitty!"  
  
"Mine!"  
  
"You have a horse!"  
  
"You have a... erm..." I couldn't think of anything. "Fine. Take the stupid feline. See if I care." I stomped back to where Legolas & Co. was sitting.  
  
Legolas sniffed as I approached. "You smell like flowers," he commented.  
  
"Good observation," I said. "I'm proud to know you."  
  
"Where's Lauren?" Acorn asked. (Teehee, she'd be so excited that he asked about her.)  
  
"She's still washing our clothes and playing with a kitten," I told him.  
  
"Where on Middle-Earth did you find a kitten?" Merry said.  
  
"Erm... well, to tell the truth, I found it while I was changing," I muttered, blushing. Everyone snickered. "Shut up."  
  
Pippin looked interested. "When is she coming back?" he asked eagerly.  
  
"Um... she's coming right now." I pointed. Lauren was walking towards us, a huge pile of clothing in her arms, with the kitten sitting happily on top of it. Aragorn stood up and helped her lay the clothes out flat on the ground. Actually, he didn't help her: he did it for her. Lauren was too busy showing her kitten to everyone to even be bothered.  
  
"So what are you going to name it?" Pippin asked in his adorable Scottish accent.  
  
"I think I'll call him... Arthur," she announced. I burst out laughing.  
  
"ARTHUR?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!" I said seriously. (Honestly, I have a serious side somewhere inside of me.)  
  
"What's wrong with Arthur?" How strange it is that she's defending a kitten...  
  
I looked at her. "I dunno," I said, shrugging. "You don't usually see animals named Arthur."  
  
"You have a bird named Albert," Lauren argued. Legolas chuckled.  
  
"So? What's your point?" I asked hotly. "Albert is awesome! With his cute green body and his empty little red head!" I sighed happily as I remembered my cherry-headed macaw.  
  
Lauren shook her head. "Never mind. Forget I said that." She sat down next to the fire with Arthur curled contentedly up in her lap.  
  
********  
  
~Later that evening...~  
  
I was standing by the gates to Isengard, watching a group of people approach. It was a long line of people wearing cloaks; they looked like Elves. Could it perhaps be the same Elves that had fought at Helm's Deep? A name popped into my mind as I thought of the Lothlorien Elves.  
  
Haldir.  
  
I sighed wistfully, thinking about Haldir and how he could have been killed. (A/N: When he was killed in the movie, I was seriously pissed. HE DID NOT DIE IN THE BOOKS!!! DAMN YOU, PETER JACKSON!!!) Boy, was I glad he hadn't died. 'He's too hot to die,' I thought, grinning.  
  
I shielded my eyes against the setting sun and watched the horsemen continue to approach. As they came closer, I spotted a familiar face near the front.  
  
"Haldir!" I cried, running (gracefully) towards his horse. The elf halted and stared at me for a moment, then galloped his horse towards me.  
  
I grinned in a very Mary Sue-ish way as Haldir dismounted and hugged me. "Mae govannen, mela nin*," he said softly into my ear. My heart skipped a beat as he said that. Then he looked deeply into my eyes. Mmm, yummy blue eyes... slightly scary, but still tres lovely nonetheless. "Shall we go for a walk?" he asked in a husky voice, pushing a stray lock of hair away from my face.  
  
*Spelling? Psh, I don't care anymore. You all know what I meant. BTW, it means something like, "Well met, my love" in elvish... I think... Ah well screw it. I really don't care that much. I'm not an elvish expert, so don't give me crap, ok?  
  
I was gobsmacked as a smacked gob. "Ekkay," I muttered, a bit dazed. He gestured to a nearby elf to take his horse, then took my hand in his and led me away. You have no idea how wonderful that was. We walked to the apple tree that Lauren and I had discovered. Except now the apples were heart-shaped. Ahhh...  
  
We sat beneath it, talking about this and that. Suddenly, he leaned down and kissed me gently on the lips. I grinned inwardly. Even if I hated Mary- sue fanfics, it sure as hell was fun to be one. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer. Mmm... the yumminess of elves would never cease to amaze me. Take that, you silly fangirls! I thought to myself. He pulled away, looking into my eyes.  
  
"Laura...?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Laura!"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"LAURA!!!" He pounced on me, still screaming my name.  
  
"LAURA!!!" I woke with a start to have Lauren pounding me with her fists. "Get up!! It's morning."  
  
I looked at my pillow, then at everyone surrounding me. Legolas and Aragorn were chuckling and shooting me amused looks.  
  
"But- but-" I stammered. "Haldir? Snogging?* Apple tree?"  
  
*This is the British term for kissing and/or making out.  
  
Lauren looked at me piteously. "Poor, poor love-struck child. You were talking in your sleep... muttering something like, "Haldir, you have nice lips" or something of the sort." She stopped and looked thoughtful, then:  
  
"You are now, no longer, the Mystik Foo Foo. Mary Sue, I shall call you: 'One who is obsessed with Haldir'... translated to the common tongue," she joked.  
  
My bottom lip trembled. "YOU WOKE ME FROM THE BESTEST DREAM I'VE EVER HAD!!! I WAS SNOGGING WITH A HOTTIE-HOT HOT ELF DUDE!!! WHY, LAUREN!? WHY???" I wailed into her shirt, seriously upset.  
  
"I really and truly pity Haldir," Legolas said. I could hear rather than see him smirk.  
  
"Go to hell," I muttered, pouting.  
  
"Hold on one sec, honey buns," Lauren said, flipping through an imaginary notebook. "Nope, sorry sweety. 'Go to hell' is not on Mr. Greenleaf's agenda. But I can fit you into it in about... oh let's see... a millennia or two. Does that work for you?"  
  
"Oh stop playing secretary," I mumbled, burying myself under my blanket. "I want my elf."  
  
"Since when is Haldir yours?" Legolas asked in an amused tone.  
  
"Since I said so two seconds ago," I muttered.  
  
"Riiight..."  
  
"You're just jealous, Lego, that you can't have beautiful little me."  
  
"Oh dear, Laura. You've found out my secret," he said sarcastically.  
  
"Pbbbt!" I was never gonna hear the end of this one.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Well, fellow elf worshippers, I'm finished for the next few days. I'm going to the FLORIDA KEYS for vacation! *does the crouton dance*  
  
What? You've never heard of the crouton dance? My goodness. Well, it goes:  
  
Jump, twirl, fall on your ass. REPEAT.  
  
Ain't it original? I made it up all by myself. :-D  
  
Oh, and if you were wondering, the reason I made myself obsessed with Haldir is because I wanted to not be infatuated with someone that I would have been around a lot. That probably made no sense whatsoever to you. But oh well. Basically, I figured that, since Haldir would be my second choice of a husband (elfwise), I'd just choose him instead of Lego. I dunno. It's hard to explain. But I feel that I'm doing the right thing. *feels all warm and fuzzy inside* And I'm sure that none of us Legolas fangirls would have any objection to snogging with the next best thing, right? ;-)  
  
Also, the dream wasn't always that long. But I got bored at 9:45 on Thursday night, and I thought, Hell, I deserve some lovin', don't I? This chapter needed some spicin' up! X-D *dazed look* Snogginnggggg... *sighs and wishes that it could really happen... except with Legolas* Ahhhh...  
  
Anyhap, I'm off to good ol' Florida! See you guys in about a week! I'm going to expect many many MANY reviews while I'm gone. Mwah! :-*  
  
XOXOXO  
  
Your favorite elf stalker,  
  
Laura, the girl of many names  
  
P.S. To Crystyna:  
  
HAHAHAHA!!! I FOOLED YOU!!!! *cackles insanely*  
  
Ah, sorry. Crystyna's mah buddy! Yay! *grins like an idiot* We talk about lots of stuff, like Orlando, Legolas, elves, hot guys, Orlando, Legolas, etc. ;-) 


	9. A seriously disturbed authors note

Laura: Actually, I just realized something. I'm not going to be able to write for nearly TWO weeks!!! OHMYGAWD!!! HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA SURVIVE!!! First my so-called parents drag me to Florida (okay, okay, I'm not complaining), and THEN they truck me off to St. Louis to visit my grandparents for a week!!!  
  
WILL THE TORTURE NEVER CEASE??? *wails into Legolas' shoulder*  
  
Legolas: You know, for once, I feel sorry for her. *pats back sympathetically*  
  
Laura: OH, OH, DID YA SEE THAT, FANGIRLS!! HE PATTED *MY* BACK!! MINE, AS IN ON MY BODY!! MINE, AS IN IT BELONGS TO ME!! MINE, AS IN-  
  
Legolas: Laura, shut up. No one cares. And that's the last time I EVER come in physical contact with you.  
  
Laura: Ok, I swear I will never overreact again. *crosses fingers behind back*  
  
Legolas: Good girl. *pats head*  
  
Me: *faints, prays to god he'll give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation*  
  
Legolas: HEY GIMLI!! LAURA NEEDS MOUTH-TO-MOUTH!!!  
  
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!!!! *runs away terrified to St. Hell... I mean, St. Louis*  
  
Legolas: It's so fun being hot. *grins sexily*  
  
Fangirls: *faint*  
  
Okay, that was so totally random... and I really and truly apologize. I'll bring tons and tons and TONS of paper with me on vacation so that I can write while I'm LOUNGING ON THE BEACH, GETTING A GORGEOUS TAN. :-D  
  
Toodles, fellow elf lovers!!! I'll miss you all!!! Please review TONS and TONS and TONS!!! ^_^  
  
~Laura, the happy yet sad elf stalker 


	10. The carrot and asparagus fairies

*waves enthusiastically* Greetings from sunny Florida!! Woohoo!!  
  
Well, I'm sitting in my bedroom of the beautiful cabana my family rented. (It's GREEN!) I'm SO EXCITED. Vaca Key is absolutely *gorgeous*!!  
  
You may be wondering, how the heck is she writing this if she didn't have a computer? WRONG-O!!! My daddy let me bring the laptop! Yayness!! ^__^  
  
So, anywho, it's nighttime and everyone's asleep... except for me, of course. So, I decided I'd just hop on the computer and do what I enjoy the most... work on my fanfic, "The Two Fools"! You should be so happy that I'm currently suffering from insomnia. I'm going to be expecting many, many, MANY thank-you's when I get home from St. Louis. (I'll be posting this the afternoon that I get back from Florida.)  
  
The only thing that sucks about this trip is that... *sob* THE DVD DRIVE ON THIS ACCURSED PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY ISN'T WORKING!!! In other words, I can't watch the most wonderfulest movie in the whole wide... universe! (LOTR: FOTR, for all you people that live under rocks. Actually, it's second best. TTT was ten times better, I thought. Much more Lego, and awesome action scenes.) No Legolas either... *sobs uncontrollably* *sniffle* W- well, at least I c-can look at the cover of the DVD, r-right? *looks at it* OMG HE'S SO HOT!!! *completely gets over her self-pity and drools all over the cover* Legolasssssssssss... *walks off cliff replaying the "Surfing in Middle-Earth" scene from TTT with Legolas in her mind*  
  
SPLAT. Ow... *gets up, dusts self off* *ahem* And so, without further ado, I bring you, live from loverly Isengard, Middle-Earth, CHAPTER TEN!!! *trumpets blow*  
  
P.S. ERLACK!!! This stupid thing doesn't have the pretty little wavy line-a- ma-bobber...*grumbles* That is, like, the best button on the whole keyboard! Ah well...  
  
**********  
  
Chapter 10: The asparagus and carrot fairies  
  
Life can be cruel. So can hamsters. But right now we're talking about life. And that whole comment that I just made has nothing to do with what I'm about to tell you. So, let's ignore Laura's stupidity and move right along like good little Girl/Boy Scouts.  
  
Today was the day that Gandalf would go to talk to Saruman. Basically, ol' Sar-man screws him over. But it was even better, because Lauren and I were there. I bet Acorn and Waffle boy were just THRILLED. :-D  
  
We were all sitting around that blasted fire AGAIN. I mean honestly! There was nothing, and I mean NOTHING, to do. Lauren and I were doing what we do best: annoying the hell out of everyone. However, I down right refused to bother Merry and Pippin. They were too cute! (Odd how I call 30-year-old hobbits cute, eh?)  
  
"Aragorn," Lauren said in a sing-songy voice.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Do you think I'm cute?" she asked sweetly. I snorted so hard that I choked on the piece of bread I was chewing. Legolas rolled his eyes and pounded me on my back.  
  
Acorn raised one eyebrow and stared at Lauren, then turned a slight crimson color. Pippin and I started giggling insanely, as Merry fell off of the log he was sitting on from laughing too hard. Legolas was shaking his head, chuckling. Lauren, however, was waiting expectantly with a huge grin on her face.  
  
Aragorn's face went from slightly pink to a brilliant color of red. "Well, I... er..." he stuttered. Lauren's grin broadened, and I went "Awww!" Legolas looked at his friend with an expression of pity and amusement. And Pippin? Pippin had forgotten to breathe (the poor dear) and had passed out from laughing.  
  
I looked around, still chuckling. "Hey... haha... where's Merry?" I said, noticing that the little bugga was missing.  
  
Everyone looked around them. "There he is!" Legolas said. He pointed to two figures a bit far away: one very short, obviously Merry, and one fairly tall, but bent over with age. I assumed (correctly) that the other was Gandalf. But there was one other person that I couldn't see clearly.  
  
"Who's the third dude, Waffle Boy?" I asked.  
  
"That's Théoden, you fruitcake," Lauren said. "Dur!" She swatted the back of my head. My poor scalp was getting quite a beating during this whole adventure... quest... thing. Agh, I just stole Pippin's line! *hugs Pippin, then continues*  
  
"Let us go and meet them," Legolas said.  
  
"Let us go and meet them," I imitated in a girly voice. Legolas glared at me, and I gave him my most angelic grin.  
  
We all went to see Gandalf and Théoden. I started another giggle fit as Pippin woke up behind us and yelled, "Oy! Wait for me!" in his sweet accent. I, unlike SOME PEOPLE *cough cough everyone that isn't me* waited for him to catch up.  
  
"Ah, thank you, Miss Laura," he said. I grinned like the idiot that I am.  
  
"You're welcome!" I said, and rubbed the top of his head. (Think Boromir and Frodo on Caradhras.) He smiled a cute smile and we walked after everyone else.  
  
We caught up just as Gandalf started talking: "Well, Treebeard and I have had some interesting discussions, and made a few plans," he said. "And we have all had some much-needed rest. But now we must be going again. I hope that you have all rested and refreshed yourselves?"  
  
"Yes sir, Mr. Gandalf, sir!" I barked, and saluted like a soldier. "We do not smell like a dirty monkey anymore, sir! No, sir! Lauren and myself are the only ones that have taken baths, sir! Do we get out of KP duty?" Lauren buried her face in her hands and groaned. "Wait a second," I said, realizing something. "Did you say Treebeard?"  
  
Gandalf sighed a slightly irritated sigh. "Yes, Laura. He is my friend, and we have discussed things, like I just told you. Do you have a short attention span?"  
  
"No, I don- OOH, A FLUTTERBY!!" I chased after a butterfly that had just flown past us. Someone grabbed the collar of my tunic. Ooh, guess who?  
  
"Little fool," Legolas muttered, pulling me back.  
  
I stuck my tongue out at him as Gandalf yakked on. "I shall now go and attempt to speak to Saruman," he announced, and started to walk towards Orthanc.  
  
"We wanna go, too!" Lauren yelled, running after him. Everyone else followed at a slightly slower pace.  
  
When we came to the base of the tower, I suddenly freaked out. It was a lot scarier than I thought. I mean, God, an evil wizard lived there! He could strike me down by blowing his nose if he wanted to!  
  
"I shall go up," Gandalf said. "I have been in Orthanc and I know my peril."  
  
"Can I ask him about a few tips? Ever since he made Gandalf break dance, I've wanted to do that to Lauren. But alas, I do not know freaky-deaky majick," I wiggled my fingers at everyone, "and I need to ask for a few pointers."  
  
"No Laura-"  
  
"Aw, c'mon!"  
  
"-you cannot. Saruman is a powerful wizard, and should not be jested at," Aragorn warned.  
  
I sighed as Théoden said that he, too, would go with Gandalf.  
  
"But even the old king dude gets to go up! He can, like, barely walk! At least let us come with to help him up the stairs," Lauren complained. We both gave Acorn and Puff the PUPPY EYES OF DOOM. "Remember, I'm cute!" she said with a grin.  
  
They turned to Gandalf, who finally gave up. "Fine," Legolas said with a sigh. "But if you make even a little slip of the tongue, LAURA-" he emphasized my name (gee, I don't know why)- "-I shall personally stick an arrow in your rear."  
  
Lauren's and my eyes got wide at this threat. I mean, Legolas had NEVER threatened us before... Wait, scratch that last remark.  
  
Legolas had never SERIOUSLY threatened us before, and now he was saying he'd stick an arrow in my arse if I screwed up!  
  
"Okay," I squeaked. I slightly feared for the safety of my behind.  
  
Gandalf started walking up the stairs. Théoden went next, followed by Aragorn, Gimli, Lauren, Legolas, Pippin, Merry, and lastly me. (I tried to stay as far away as possible from the butt-happy elf.)  
  
The group got to the top of the stairs, and Gandalf started banging on the door with his staff. "Saruman! Saruman, come forth!" he commanded.  
  
After what seemed like an eternity in hell, a window opened above the door. "What is it? What do you want?" said a raspy voice.  
  
"Aha! The Goth one has returned! He- oops..." I had burst out at an inappropriate time... again. Legolas turned around with an amused/angry expression and held up an arrow, twirling it in his fingers. I quickly edged to the back of the group.  
  
"I know that voice," Théoden said, "and I curse the day when I first listened to it."  
  
"Go fetch Saruman, since you have become his servant, Wormtongue," Gandalf ordered. The window closed. Lauren dashed back to where I was standing, and we both trembled like... erm... trembling 15-year-olds. Soon we would see HIM. The Bad Guy. The One Who Wanted the Ring. The Wizard Who Accidentally Used Too Much Bleach On His Robes. He Who-  
  
"What is it? What do you want?" said a different voice. This one was low and quiet. Suddenly I felt all happy and carefree... almost like I was high on something. (Not that I've ever been high. And no, sugar does NOT count.)  
  
I stared up at the balcony that the voice had floated out from. An old man was standing at the railing. He was dressed in a robe. The color was hard to tell, though, because it changed every time he moved. His beard and hair were white, but had a few streaks of black here and there.  
  
"Well?" he said. "Why must you disturb my rest? Will you give me no peace by night or day?"  
  
His voice sounded sad, like he hadn't deserved to be bothered. I was surprised as I muttered, "I am sorry" to him. I could see Lauren, Aragorn and Legolas turn to gawk at me out of the corner of my eyes, but I didn't look at them. I couldn't seem to tear my eyes away from Saruman.  
  
He smiled kindly at me before continuing. I returned the smile. "But come now, I know at least two of you by name. Gandalf I know too well to have much hope that he seeks help or counsel here. But you, Théoden, are declared by your noble devices..." he continued on for a few minutes, asking why Théoden found him evil and the like. I was still staring transfixed at him. Part of my brain screamed that I should turn away. But another part said that I must listen to him.  
  
Suddenly Gimli blurted out. "Your words stand on their heads," he growled. "In the language of Orthanc help means destruction, saving means slaying. That is plain. But we didn't come here to beg."  
  
Somehow this partly snapped me out of the trance I had been in. I shook my head, then glared at Saruman. He had tricked me! The fruitcake! I'll have his head! But I still seemed somewhat... floaty.  
  
"Peace!" Saruman yelled. His voice was angry. That did it. I was completely free from his grasp.  
  
"HA. You don't have control of me anymore," I whispered in a sing-songy voice. Lauren clapped her hand over my mouth.  
  
"I did not speak to you yet, Gimli son of Gloin, nor you, Laura daughter of Pamela," Saruman said in a suave voice.  
  
"Oh yeah, like that'll sway me!" I said angrily after tearing Lauren's hand off of my mouth. Then it hit me. "How'd you know my mom's name was Pam?" I asked.  
  
But, of course, he, like everyone else, ignored me. This seems to be happening more and more often these days, I thought to myself. Saruman yakked on some more about Théoden (who I think was his lover at one time... well, that's just my messed-up mind). Then he yakked on about Eomer, then about having peace and friendship with Rohan.  
  
Théoden looked at him for a moment. "We shall have peace," he said firmly. "Yes, we shall have peace when all your works have finished, and the works of your master whom you would deliver us to. You are a liar, Saruman..." blah blady blah bloop. Hence Saruman got angry.  
  
He ran to the rail and leaned over it. "Gibbets and crows!" he hissed. I snorted at this. What? I mean, who the hell says "Gibbets and crows"? Uh- oh, big mistake. Legolas spun around with anger written all over his face. "When we get through here..." he mouthed. He let me finish the sentence myself.  
  
Yes, so Saruman talked for a while longer about how the house of Eorl was a barn or something. I wasn't really paying attention. I was too worried about my arse to be bothered with something that doesn't even concern me. Then when Gandalf offered him freedom, Saruman made fun of him, blah blah blah...  
  
"It is over," Gandalf murmured as Saruman disappeared from the rail. "Let us go." He led us away towards the gates of Isengard. I walked quickly to the front, praying to the soup demons that Waffle Boy would forget about my ass. But, being the "wise and fair Elf" that he is, he didn't. Okay, so I'm not arguing with the "fair" part... obviously. But the wise part? Well, obviously Tolkien had never been around Legolas very much.  
  
I shrieked slightly as he grabbed my arm. "Do you have any idea what could have happened to you back there!?" he hissed in my ear. I flinched as he tightened his grip. "How thick are you? Honestly-"  
  
"Peace, Legolas," Gandalf said quietly, making a peace sign with his fingers. Well, except for the second part. "She is but a child. Things such as this are beyond her control."  
  
We gaped at him for a minute, then I turned to Legolas. "HA!" I screamed, pointing a finger in his face. "Double HA with a hyphen! YOU LOSE!!!" I poked him in the chest with each word just for good measure. Then I skipped away happily with Lauren, my butt still in tact, thank goodness.  
  
As we got a bit farther away from the tower, I heard a clanging noise. I spun around just in time to see a glass orb soar through the air and hit a metal railing. It bounced off and...  
  
"SHIT!" I screamed. The damn thing hit me right on the forehead! "Oweeeee!" I cried, rubbing my poor head.  
  
Pippin ran to pick the palantir up, which made Gandalf mad. Jeez, a little power happy, isn't he?  
  
I scowled at Lauren, who was laughing at me. So I did what any sensible person would NOT do (since I am not a sensible person). I head butted her.  
  
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoowch!!" we wailed. Great. Juuust great. Now my headache was, like, a gazillion billion trillion times worse. Wow that's a big number. I groaned and sat on the ground, feeling like I would puke.  
  
I guess my poor little girl image pays off sometimes. I heard someone sigh, then felt a hand on my forehead. The pain started to go away. I looked up at the hand, and immediately recognized it as Legolas' by the long fingers.  
  
"Yay for elvish healing powers!" I cheered after he had finished. "High five, mah man!" I held up my hand. He smiled slightly and slapped it. "You have learned well, young Jedi," I told him in a Yoda voice. "Reward you we must."  
  
He pondered this for a second. "No thank you, Laura. I'm not sure I would want a reward from you. Valar knows what substance I would get poured on me."  
  
I gaped. "How did you KNOW?"  
  
"I didn't. But I do now." He smirked.  
  
"Poo-head." I walked ahead of him and ran right into Gandalf, who was talking to someone I couldn't see. There was a tree in my way.  
  
"And these are my companions," Gandalf said. Then he pointed to Gimli, Aragorn, and Legolas in turn. Then an odd thing happened. A voice spoke to Legolas, and he spoke back. Aw, man. The voices don't just talk to me anymore, I thought miserably.  
  
Then it hit me, just as Legolas got done talking to no one. Or so I had thought.  
  
"TREEBEARD!" I screeched without thinking. I swear I'm not blonde! Well, I am, but I'm not as stupid as I sound. Wait. Never mind.  
  
"Hoo hum, now. Who are these young things?" Treebeard asked, gesturing to Lauren and I.  
  
"They are our companions. The silly, obnoxious blonde one is Laura-" I grinned, despite Legolas' comments, and waved- "and the brunette is Lauren."  
  
"Hm hum," Treebeard mumbled, but there was a smile on his... erm, tree-y lips. "Saplings. They are so hasty. Most unnatural." Then he bent down to get a closer look at us. Lauren freaked out and hid behind Aragorn. I stood my ground. No way was I going to pass up the chance to talk to Treebeard. He is way too cool to ignore. "Hm. Now where do you come from, Laura?" he asked in his booming voice.  
  
"Well," I said mysteriously, "I come from a land called..." I paused dramatically, "*Indiana*." Lauren stifled a giggle.  
  
"Hoo hum, now. I have never heard of this... Indinea. Is it far from here?"  
  
"Erm... you could say that."  
  
He blinked and then did his tree-ish smile thingy again. "Saplings are so interesting. Hmm hoo." I grinned at him, then walked back to where Lauren was enjoying herself with Aragorn.  
  
"You are so odd," she told me.  
  
"So I've heard. But come now, young sapling," I said, imitating Treebeard, "let us go back to our camp. Hoo hum. I feel the need for food in my stomach." I started lumbering slowly away. Lauren grinned and followed.  
  
********* A while later, Lauren went down to what was left of the lake to clean my clothes like she had promised. I, unfortunately, had to take care of Arthur while she was gone.  
  
Man, I hated that cat. It was bad enough that it spied on me when I was changing. Now it had something against me. Every time I took my eyes off of him, the little freak would climb up a tree or something and I'd have to get Legolas to get him down.  
  
After this happened about five times, I gave up. "That's it!" I exclaimed. "I'm going to bed!" By that time it was almost dark, and I was exhausted. But alas, before I could hop into my wonderfully warm blanket, Aragorn and Legolas each put a hand on my shoulder.  
  
"You are not going to leave that little devil for us to take care of," Aragorn said.  
  
"Pwease, Acorn?" I said in a baby voice.  
  
"No. I've already gotten more scratches from him than I got in battle." He held up his hands and, sure enough, they were covered in little scratches.  
  
"And I haven't fared much better," Legolas added. He rolled up his sleeve and showed me four long gashes down his forearm. I couldn't help but smirk. Mmm, muscular... mwahahahahaa.  
  
"But you would not want a poor, innocent maiden to be injured by such a fell beast, would you?" I crooned, imitating Arwen.  
  
Aragorn and Legolas looked at each other, then burst out laughing. "Innocent?" Legolas practically shrieked. This just made them laugh harder.  
  
"Ugh, go bite Saruman's ass," I muttered, picking up Arthur by the scruff of his neck. The little fruitcake growled and spat, trying to scratch my arm. But he didn't! No, he couldn't reach my arm!  
  
"Laura, 1! Stupid cat, zippo!" I yelled as I saw Lauren, who was walking back towards us.  
  
She screamed when she saw how I was holding the little beast. "You'll hurt him!" she wailed, grabbing Arthur and cuddling him. Immediately the cat became calm, and started purring like a motor. She grinned as she saw Aragorn, Legolas and I gaping at her. "I don't think he likes you," she said sweetly, walking past. So I pushed her in a puddle.  
  
THE END.  
  
*Later in the night *  
  
I woke up to someone crying out in fright. I sat up and saw Pippin sitting at the edge of our camp, holding the palantir. "Pippin! What are you doing!" I hissed. But it was too late. Already everyone had woken up and Gandalf was stooped over him, yelling at him for stealing the palantir.  
  
I felt so sorry for him. But then something else caught my attention.  
  
"Receive it, lord!" I heard Gandalf say. I turned and frowned. Gandalf was giving Aragorn the palantir!  
  
"But... but... it would have made a wonderful addition to my marble collection!" I wailed. Lauren slapped me. "Ow..."  
  
Then Aragorn said something, then Theoden said something, then Aragorn said something else, etcetera etcetera. They talked for a looooooooooooooong time.  
  
Once everyone I thought they wouldn't notice, I snuck over to where Pippin was lying.  
  
"Hey," I whispered. He looked at me, then looked down at the ground.  
  
"Aw, Pip-pip, it's ok. I know how you feel. Sometimes, my parents buy some candy, and they're like, 'Laura, do not eat the candy.' Of course, that's almost the same as saying, 'Laura, take the candy and eat it all. But once you do, you'll lose your behind.' It's nothing to worry about. It's simply human- er, hobbit nature."  
  
He smiled slightly, then his face fell. "He said so many evil things. He asked why I hadn't obeyed him. It was horrible." Tears welled up in his eyes, and I thought I might cry.  
  
"Pippin, it's ok. Nothing bad happened. Trust me. Even though Gandalf seems like an old poop, and IS an old poop, he's a very smart and very wise old poop. He said that Sauron hasn't found out anything, and if he said that, he's right." He opened his mouth to speak. "And don't worry about him calling you a fool, either," I interrupted. "You might be a fool, but I'm an even bigger fool. So, we can run off to Foolville together and happily live as idiots for the rest of our days."  
  
He looked up at me and grinned sweetly. "Thanks, Miss Laura. That made me feel better." My god, he was so cute! I mean baby cute. (A/N: No, I DO NOT love Pippin. But he's my second favorite character, after Legolas. Mmm, yummy elf. ;-D)  
  
I smiled and scruffed up his hair. "Any time, bubba. Don't worry 'bout it." I started to crawl back to where I was sleeping.  
  
"And I don't think you're a fool," he added quietly.  
  
I turned around to look at him and grinned. "Thanks. G'night." Then I curled up in my blanket.  
  
*Next morning*  
  
I was in one of those trances. You know, like, in the morning, when you're awake, but you're not. I was kind of dozing.  
  
Suddenly I felt something wet on my lips. As you might imagine, this woke me up slightly. Oh, no, not completely. Only a bit.  
  
"UUUUGGGGGGGGGH!!!! EWWW!!! GET IT OFF!!!" I screamed, frantically wiping my mouth. Okay, so I was a bit more awake than usual.  
  
I scowled and looked up, then gasped. Legolas was leaning over me!  
  
"WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS CHEESY DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!?" I screeched. I mean, duh! He had just licked me or something!  
  
"Laura, calm yourself! It wasn't me!"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, Legolas. I forgot that the asparagus and carrot fairies sometimes come to me in my sleep and pour water on my mouth. LIKE HELL IT WASN'T YOU!!"  
  
"Laura, look." He rolled his eyes and held up Arthur.  
  
"The cat? What the hell does the friggin' cat have anything to do with this!?"  
  
He sighed. "How thick are you! I woke up when you started screaming. Arthur, or whatever it's name is, was licking your face."  
  
"Wha-? Oooooooooooooooh," I said, a look of revelation on my face. Then I realized how incredibly retarded I had been. I could feel the color rising to my cheeks. I groaned and buried myself under my blanket.  
  
"Are you alright?" he asked.  
  
"Meh..."  
  
"Don't you think you need to say something to me?"  
  
"Sarwy," I mumbled into my bag (which was still doubling as my pillow}.  
  
"Apology accepted." I heard him stand up.  
  
Why does all the weird stuff happen to me!?  
  
********  
  
Okay, fellow doonas, I'm sorry that this chapter sucked. I was in Florida and my mind was wandering and I don't really understand the story from here 'til about... oh let's see... page 200 something of ROTK, where Legolas and Gimli go off to some place that I can't remember. See? I'm such a fool of a Took. Oh well.  
  
Once again, sorry! I guarantee this will be even more confusing after this! :'( I feel bad that I can't write better. Oh well. I'm gonna have someone explain the basics of the last part of TTT (at least the part with Aragorn, Gandalf, Legolas, etc.) and ROTK to me. Or maybe I'll buy Cliffs Notes. Either one would work. Perhaps I'll just wait until ROTK comes out in theatres til I write next. But, since I don't want to wait, and I'm hoping that YOU don't want to, either, then, if you'll be so kind as to e- mail me some sort of overview of the end of TTT and ROTK, I would be SO THANKFUL. Maybe I'll even put you into my story as... erm... someone. Yes, well.  
  
Also, if I didn't follow the book quite right, I'm really, really sorry about that. Like I said, I don't really understand the books from about this point on. *sigh* Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Wow, Laura sucks at writing. Plus she's too stupid to understand a simple book like ROTK. Yeah, well, you're right. I'm purdy stoopid. I'm the definition of a "dumb blonde".  
  
Anyhap, if you'd be so kind as to do so, e-mail me at lutra1@ameritech.net with the basics of ROTK.  
  
Oh well, a plus side: my dad got the DVD drive on this damned piece of metal and... other stuff. Ugh, its so not fair. My dad sucks with computers, yet the first time he puts the %&$# disk in the drive, it worked! So I was sitting in a plane and/or a car for 6 hours straight with nothing to do but ogle at the cover of the DVD. Oh well, only about a month till TTT comes out on video!!!! YESSSS!!! And I'll be getting it the day that it comes out, cause I pre-ordered it from Amazon. Woot woot!! *does a happy booty dance* Erg, I must stop doing that.  
  
Another plus side, you may ask? Oh yes. There's a place called the Cabana Club. All the people that are staying in our resort can go there to swim, drink beer (well, the people over 21), and other fun stuff. Did I mention that the guy that was running the counter was extremely hot and was only about 3 years older than me? Yeah. So I stayed and "chatted" *cough cough flirted* with him for a while. Tres fun! ;-D Plus, eres muchos muchachos mexicanos y guapos! *giggles insanely* That means, there were lots of cute Mexican guys! And American, too. But I like foreigners. They are so... erm... interesting. Yes, they are very irresistible- I mean interesting.  
  
Well, my pretties, I shall shut my flapping mouth and go off to eat some shrimp right off o' the barbie.  
  
Toodles!  
  
-Laura, the elf stalker that can't write even if her life depended on it. 


	11. Yay! Another Author note! woowoo!

*does peace sign* Greetings, earthlings!!!  
  
I have returned from that awful place known as... *shifty eyes, shudders*  
  
St. Louis. *big light-up sign says GASP and all the readers go GASP*  
  
Good job. Anywho, I'm still alive, and that's what matters. Cause I know that you all would miss me if I died, right?  
  
...  
  
*crickets chirping*  
  
...  
  
*scowls* Poo heads.  
  
OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!! I SAW "PIRATES OF THE CARIBEAN"!!! *squeals* OMG!!! Orlando was SO HOT!!! *faints* But holy crap, to all of you who have seen it, THAT MONKEY SCARED ME SHITLESS!!!  
  
*grabs trusty butterfly net and puts Legolas in a giant jar marked "Silvanus Prince Hotus"* Goodbye, my love! I'm off to find... erm... my other love! *kisses jar, skips off*  
  
~*One Year Later*~  
  
*lugs in big canvas bag. Bag is squirming*  
  
I have succeeded!!! *pulls out sharpie marker and writes "Williamus Hotus Turnerus" on a different jar* Come our darling, I won't bite... much!! *cackles, pulls Will Turner out of bag*  
  
Will: Mother... O.o...  
  
Me: Teeeeeheeeee!!!  
  
Will: I want Elizabeth.  
  
Me: *gets all scary like Galadriel* You won't be seeing Elizabitch anymore!!! *cackles*  
  
~*Flashback*~  
  
Me: *knocks on big door to mansion* Oooh Elizabitch—I mean, Elizabeth! It's me, your long-lost sister, Laurel Swan! (I wish my name was Laurel instead of LaurA)  
  
Elizabeth: *opens door* I have a sister?  
  
Me: *pulls out bazooka* Um, no. *shoots and cackles*  
  
~*End Flashback*  
  
Will: Dear God...  
  
Me: Heheheheheheheee!!!  
  
Legolas: *rolls eyes* You're never satisfied, are you?  
  
Me: *opens Legolas' jar and strokes his lovely hair* Noperoonies. I am a member of JAMS. Jarred Awesome Movie Stars. I, of course, am the president. *puts lid back on jar and climbs up on Will's jar. Sits down Indian-style* Although, I just made it up last night... so there aren't many members... just me... oh well. *looks thoughtful, then shrugs and punches holes in jar lid after noticing that Will has passed out from lack of oxygen*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Okay, end of crap. Now on to the important stuff.  
  
WILL TURNER IS MINE!!! I CLAIM HIM!!! To complete my collection I must wait until next year when "The Calcium Kid" and "Troy" come out in theatres... both, of course, starring Orlando. Although, in "Troy", he has sex with someone who isn't me, so I might not go to see it. Cause that would just make me sad. *big retarded grin*  
  
*blinks* This A/N had a purpose, and I can't remember what it was... my rambling has caused me to forget it.  
  
OH YEAAAAHH!!! I just wanted you all to know that I'm home for a week. Yay! Then I'm going to Camp Barbee. Double cool with knobs. No, it is NOT Camp Barbie, like the doll. It is Camp BarbEE, with the emphasis on the BEE. Anyhap, the day after I get home from CB I'm headed to Kentucky (Hicksville, USA) for my church's mission trip. (No offense to all you Kentuckeyians. The Bluegrass State is cool. I'm proud of myself for knowing that that is your nickname. Also, you lot have really good horses, and THAT is something to be proud of.  
  
So, anywhoo, I'm home. If any of you guys e-mailed me and/or reviewed, sorry I didn't respond. I couldn't for obvious reasons (1. my grand 'rentals don't have a computer and 2. I don't like you. Teehee, j/k.). If I'm not as perky as I usually am (although I'm hyper right now), it's because I came within an inch of death. Yes, you almost lost your favorite authoress. (You: HAHAHAHAHA!!!)  
  
I nearly died from boredom (grand 'rents again) and itchyness (jellyfish stings). But it's all good now because I have returned!  
  
Well I'm almost donje. Just a couple more things.  
  
To anyone who offered me help with ROTK: Thank you guys SO MUCH!!! I totally appreciate it. Basically I don't understand why Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli, etc. go on the Path of the Dead. Also, I don't get... erm... well basically the whole book. *blushes sheepishly* Please don't throw things at me! Eep!! *runs away as everyone brings out tomatoes*  
  
So yeah, if you would be willing to do something like write me an overview of all the parts with Legolas & Co. in them, I will love you forever (in a friendly way, of course). Also a little surprise will be in store for you! ^__^ Teehee!  
  
To my reviewers: Ooooh, Thankies so muchies! *huggles her reviewers* I lurve you all! X-D  
  
To Mr. Orlando Bloom: If you, by whatever chance, ever read my stories (although I don't know why you would) I apologize for making you and the characters you play look like fools. I am just a (beautiful, blonde- haired, green-eyed, funny, lovely, smart, cute) fangirl. My address is...  
  
Crystyna: Thankies so muchies to you especialies! Heheh! You's a cool person, and I love talkin' to you 'bout our favorite elf, actor, blacksmith, etc. And I might stick a GIRL (not an elf :-P) named Christina (with I's, not Y's, sorry) in my story if I'm feeling especially nice.  
  
To Mr. Bloom again: Thank you for being so hot.  
  
Ok, I think that's all! Toodle-loo! I shall write while I'm at home AND while I'm at camp, and on the mission trip if I get the chance! Cheers!  
  
~*Laura*~  
  
P.S. Mwah! Almost forgot. *picks up giant jars and puts them in her bedroom* My hotties!  
  
P.P.S. I love you all!  
  
P.P.P.S. Kenny Chesney's song "Big Star" rocks!  
  
P.P.P.P.S. Yes I listen to country music. You got a problem with that? *threatens with fist* Good. 


	12. AWAAAAAAAY!

ON TO THE ROTK VERSION!!! AWAYYYY!!! *flies off like Neo in The Matrix* 


End file.
